Why Children Wait to Tell: Understanding Delayed Disclosure of Abuse
By Rachel Pearson
Advocacy Specialist
Throughout my almost 4 years as a family and victim advocate with Mosaic Georgia, one of the most common questions I get from caregivers is why their child did not tell them about the abuse right after it happened. Part of my role is providing psychoeducation to caregivers regarding delayed disclosures.
It is typical in our society for people to question why someone, of any age, may need time before they are ready to disclose abuse. It is important to understand that there are valid and oftentimes intricate reasons behind delayed disclosures. Staying silent is common for several reasons, and it is essential for adults to create an environment where disclosure feels safe and accepted.
The Barriers
There are several internal and external barriers that contribute to delayed disclosures. Some common internal barriers include feelings of guilt, shame, self-blame, fear, and a lack of understanding of the abuse. External barriers include the child’s relationship to the perpetrator, feelings of ambivalence, the child’s age, the severity of the abuse, the level of grooming, and the presence or lack of trusted adults in the child’s life.
Some perpetrators convince the child that the abuse is their fault or that they deserve the abuse; this is where guilt factors in. A child may not want to disclose because they feel they did something wrong and do not want to get in trouble. They may also worry that their caregiver will become upset or distressed by their disclosure. I have spoken with many children who did not want their caregiver to find out about the abuse because they did not want their caregiver to feel sad, worried or disappointed in them. This can sometimes lead a child to downplay abuse. On other occasions, a child may test the waters and only disclose part of the abuse because they want to know how a caregiver will respond and what will be done with their disclosure, even if it is only a partial disclosure.
Other times, a child may feel shame after experiencing abuse. Shame can often lead to feelings of humiliation, low self-esteem, and low self-worth which can contribute to the belief that they deserved the abuse. If a child believes it was deserved, they may feel too ashamed to disclose. Furthermore, sexual abuse, and even sexual health, are often perceived as taboo topics. This can hinder a child from feeling comfortable enough to speak about their abuse as it often reinforces their feeling of shame.
Fear also plays a vital role in delayed disclosures. I have advocated for numerous children who were terrified to disclose because of threats made by their perpetrator. Since the perpetrator is often someone the child knows, threats that are very frightening and real for the child can be easily crafted. Typically, the threats include harm to a caregiver, sibling, family members, family pet, or friends. Sometimes blackmail is utilized if any pictures or videos were taken during the abuse. These threats convince the child that the only way to keep themselves and their loved ones safe is to stay quiet. As adults, we are able to rationalize these threats as being unrealistic; however, children are often unable to intellectualize threats due to their limited worldview and lack of autonomy and power.
I believe one of the biggest barriers to disclosure, especially with younger children, is a child’s lack of understanding and knowledge. If a child has not received any body safety or safe touch versus unsafe touch education, they do not understand that what they experienced is abuse. If they do not perceive it as abuse, they are less likely to disclose. When the abuse begins early enough in their life, they are made to believe it is normal. These feelings are intensified when the perpetrator is someone they know and trust, which occurs in the majority of child abuse cases. Children are raised to trust adults, especially family members and other loved ones. This is typically when grooming takes place because the child may not be able to tell the difference between affection and abuse when a trusted adult is involved. Grooming can be difficult to identify, as it looks different for every child. The most common steps of grooming include gaining the trust of the child and caregivers, giving gifts, “love-bombing”, isolating the child from their loved ones, and testing the child’s boundaries while slowly introducing sexualized language and behaviors. Most children are unable to notice the patterns of grooming because it feels like love or friendship to them.
We must also acknowledge that sometimes the child’s perpetrator is one of their caregivers or a family member. When this is the case, a child oftentimes does not want to disclose out of fear of not being believed, breaking up the family, getting their caregiver or family member in trouble, retaliation, fear of being taken away from their home, or fear of losing their household’s primary provider. It is very common for children in this situation to ask, “Where do I go now?”, “Is my mom/dad going to be okay?”, “Do I have to leave my siblings?”. Stability is incredibly important in a child’s life, so they may not disclose out of fear of disrupting their stability, even if their “stability” is abusive.
Experiencing child abuse is a disastrous reality for many children. However, there are ways to build an environment that encourages disclosure.
Talk About It
Teach children the true, anatomical names of their body parts so there is no confusion when they disclose. For example, if a child tells an adult that someone touched their “cookie”, the adult may not realize the child means their anogenital region. These kinds of conversations normalize talking about our anatomy and help to circumvent the shameful feelings around sexuality that can lead children to hide abuse.
Inform children about safe touch versus unsafe touch, including which body parts are not okay to be touched on themselves and not okay to be touched on other people. Children who know the correct body terms have the appropriate tools to verbalize their abuse and communicate their experiences more clearly.
Talk to them about good secrets versus bad secrets as well as the difference between secrets versus surprises. Identify trusted adults in their life that are safe to talk to about secrets—including teachers, family members, their friends’ parents, coaches, etc. The more trusted adults identified, the more resources the child has access to.
Check-In
Checking in with children regularly about their feelings and emotions can help them feel more open to sharing them. Be cautious not to push a child to speak about something they do not want to or may not be ready to speak about, as that may cause them to shut down or close themselves off. If the child is experiencing a new environment (i.e. school, friends, sports, extracurricular activities, etc.), a trusted adult should check in with them to see how they are feeling and if they experienced anything that made them feel unsafe or uncomfortable. While checking in, listen actively and remain calm. This creates a safe and specific space for the child to disclose. Remember to be patient and not force the child to talk as they may not be ready to disclose if something happened to them.
It can be helpful to practice being supportive when the child shares something unrelated to abuse. This lays a foundation of trust, security, and encouragement for the child. Every child who experiences abuse has their own timeline for when they will be ready to talk about it. It is the job of caregivers, trusted adults, advocates, and other professionals to respect the child’s timeline, support them in any way needed until they are ready to talk, and be a safe space for when they are ready to disclose.
If you are a caregiver with any questions or concerns regarding your child, please call our 24/7 crisis line: 866-900-6019. There is always an advocate on the other end who can listen to concerns, answer questions, and connect you with resources.
A friend who is helping raise his grandkids asked me why I keep saying it’s important to start conversations with tweens and teens about relationships, dating, and sexual health. “We’re old school and learned the old-fashioned way (from the streets and Playboy magazine).”
One of the hallmark experiences of child sexual abuse is ambivalence. While some people still hold tightly to the idea that abuse occurs at the hands of the creepy, old man driving an ice cream van, many people have accepted the reality that abuse most often occurs within relationships. Abuse perpetrated by a stranger far less frequently results in feelings of ambivalence compared to abuse perpetrated by someone known, loved, and trusted. Ambivalence is a gift to the abuser, but superglue to the lips of the victim.
When people hear “domestic violence,” they picture bruises and 911 calls. Those harms are real—and visible. But in homes across our community, another kind of violence hums under the radar: the slammed door that makes everyone flinch, the “jokes” that cut, the phone that’s always monitored, the money that’s always withheld. Violence isn’t only what lands in the ER; it’s also the pattern of control that replaces safety with fear. Kids in those homes learn it in their bones.
Childhood sexual abuse leaves a continual path of destruction long after the crime has ended.
May is National Teen Self-Esteem Month!
