Grieving Well This Holiday Season
By Erica Legons
Counselor/Therapist at Mosaic Georgia
When I think about the holidays, I’m flooded with colorful images of family, friends, food, gift-wrapped boxes, cozy sweaters, fireworks, and the splendor of the seasons’ change. Yet as the mental reel continues, I am also reminded of all that I have lost. Holidays can have a not-so-subtle way of reminding us of the empty spaces and deficits in our lives. Perhaps the loved ones no longer with us while we gather at the table … or the life we used to envision being hijacked by the dreadful reality of sexual trauma … or those in our lives that seemingly over-promised and undelivered, only to abandon us to the pain of rejection, shame, and loneliness. While each person’s account of loss will differ, there is one thing that likely rings true for each of us – grief during the holidays can be especially difficult.
As of late, amidst the leaves changing colors and the air becoming crisp, I have also found myself wedged between my feelings of sadness and gratitude in anticipation of this upcoming Thanksgiving. A little over two months ago, my sweet “Papa” (grandfather) died. For as long as I have been alive, his love, care, and kind presence has been with me. The idea of fully accepting his absence this holiday season is daunting if I’m being honest. However, I am giving myself permission to embrace the fact that it’s okay that this feels daunting.
If you are not already familiar with the five stages of grief, a model developed by Swiss American psychiatrist, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, the five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. While these five stages have been researched and are very common, one’s experience of grief is still unique to the individual. The stages of grief are nonlinear and not everyone will experience each of these stages. Although there is no prescribed “right way to grieve”, I would offer that there is an opportunity to learn how to grieve well, especially during the holiday season. Let’s consider a few things to remember as we set our intention to grieve well.
Acknowledge the difficulty of the season
While there may be excitement in the air as holiday travel ramps up, Fall/Winter sales begin, prices drop, cozy sweaters come off the hangers, and the aroma of family recipes permeate kitchens; there may also be amplified feelings of sorrow, loneliness, and anxiety. It may be difficult to sit with certain memories associated with the loss, see others creating holiday memories with their loved ones/partner on social media, hear specific songs/watch certain movies, or to have the social and emotional battery to attend holiday office parties. Shame has an insidious way of convincing us that we are not allowed to struggle during a time that is “supposed to be” joyous. Do yourself a favor and give yourself permission to acknowledge the difficulty of the season rather than masking it.
Consider healthy coping strategies
- Coping strategies are not one-size-fits-all so perhaps you may prefer something different.
- Physical movement: Engage the body in physical movement. Perhaps spending time outdoors in nature for a hike or short walks.
- Set boundaries: Utilize the power of the gentle but firm “no” when you need to. If you need to decline invitations, leave early, or silence your phone notifications for a set time, do so.
- Allow yourself to feel: Though this may read like a broken record, it is a critical part of the healing journey. When we allow ourselves to feel without judgment, we are attuned to our most authentic self and honoring our human need to feel and release.
- Lean into your support network: Communicate what you are specifically needing from your trusted supports. Even if there is only one trusted individual in your support network, don’t talk yourself out of asking for support for fear of being a burden or “killing the holiday vibe”.
- Use helpful distractions or “press pause”: Re-focus your attention on something different when you need to. Maybe a creative activity, reading, puzzles, playing with a pet, or spending time with a friend. Sometimes you may need to simply “press pause” to spend quiet time with self for grounding, journaling, or a good nap!
Recognize the importance of self-compassion
Remember to be gentle with yourself. What you are experiencing is something that is undoubtedly one of the most tragic happenings in the human experience. Be mindful of how you speak to yourself as you navigate your grief process and realize that it is just that – a process. Set realistic expectations for yourself this holiday season and if/when you fall short, give yourself grace. Although it may not be a nearby thought, grief points back to the reality that you have dared to love and allowed your heart to be open and vulnerable to receive love – affirm yourself for such a courageous act.
As we head into this holiday season, let us commit to practicing the art of self-compassion, allowing room for the unexpected, though necessary “pauses”, and anchoring ourselves to the belief that the waves will pass and our waters will find their state of calm once again. Take care of yourself – you’re worth it.
If you want to learn more, I encourage you to read this educational article on the Five Stages of Grief.