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People Helping People: A Daily Dose of Courage

 

Courage: the ability to undertake an overwhelming difficulty or pain despite the unavoidable presence of fear.

What’s a kid to do? We tell children to speak up for themselves and we want them to be quiet and respectful. Each family has its own norms and unspoken expectations. Regardless, it takes courage for a child to speak out when someone abuses her and threatens harm if she tells anyone. How should the community respond?

Courage meets compassion

The Gwinnett community has a multi-disciplinary team that operates with the Children’s Advocacy Center (CAC) model. Designed to be welcoming and convenient, all the steps after reporting take place in one private location, Mosaic Georgia: forensic interview, forensic medical assessment, and supportive services. Law enforcement and other necessary agencies go to Mosaic Georgia to collaborate on the investigation and issues resulting from the abuse/assault.

There are no fees, no co-pays, and no hospital waits. Our goal is to reduce trauma and stress through the reporting and investigative process and offer advocacy support during and after.

Building courage

People often ask, How can people get away with this? Coercion and silence are the primary tools used by people who physically and sexually abuse. Abusers know what is important to their victims and use that information to garner compliance. Abusers often diminish their victim in the eyes of others with comments about them being sneaky, lying, promiscuous, or attention-seeking to discredit her or him in the event the code of silence is broken. Many victims finally find their voice to protect others. “When I saw him with my little sister, I couldn’t stay silent…”

A family matter

Child abusers are opportunistic, choosing victims they can easily access and manipulate. The harm is compounded when the abuser is a family member, close friend, fellow student, or trusted teen or adult. The relationships are complex and intertwined. Feelings of genuine love or respect are conflicted with the confusion, pain, and shame the abusive behavior conjures. The weight of silence can lead to many forms of self-destructive behavior.

“I don’t want him to go to jail. I just want him to stop…”

You may assume that family members will form a protective shield around the person who gives voice to the abuse. Yet a common response is frustration, even anger toward the victim. Competing interests cause more damage to everyone. He may be the family breadwinner or have some social standing at work, church, school, or the ball field.

Private and public courage

What is not spoken is not acknowledged (don’t ask, don’t tell) and is allowed to continue. That lack of courage hurts everyone involved. It also explains why so many victims who report abuse later recant. The pressure to maintain the family’s status quo is too great for courage to sustain.

Ask any student in middle or high school and they can tell you about a video or snapchat that went viral. And find out how the victim was trolled and threatened as a result. The discourse focuses on the recipient of the assault, not on the behavior and decisions of the perpetrator. While some abusers feel shame after an assault, many do not believe they did anything wrong. “It just happened. She didn’t scream or anything.”

Our collective courage is challenged everyday. “I don’t want to get involved” for fear of backlash. That’s another way silence oppresses.

Courage + Support = Survivor

At Mosaic Georgia, we see courage every day in the people we serve. We help them put the pieces of their lives back together so their futures are brighter than yesterday. If this resonates, know that you are not alone.

We applaud your daily courage for living your life whether you have spoken your truth aloud. As Christopher Robin told Winnie the Pooh, “You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” We are here for you, too.

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Mosaic Georgia experienced major growth and changes in 2018. In one year, we have undergone a name change, increased in staff size, and have increased the amount of services provided. Like every year, our community provided a huge amount of help and made a gigantic difference in the lives of our clients in 2018.

The Rotary Club of Sugarloaf was one of the many partners that helped increase access to the services Mosaic Georgia offered in 2018. With their help, Mosaic Georgia was able to create a transportation fund for clients who face transportation barriers. These funds have been crucial in ensuring that our clients receive timely forensic medical care, forensic interviews, legal services, and advocacy services.

We are incredibly grateful for the contributions of everyone in the community. It is because of you that Mosaic Georgia has been able to provide excellent services in a safe and welcoming environment.

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The Link Between “The Talk” and Kid’s Safety: Discussing Sex and Bodily Autonomy with Our Children

Kendall Circle Headshot

By Kendall Wolz
Mental Health and Wellness Manager at Mosaic Georgia

If I were to sit down with a random group of adults and ask the question, “What happened when you had THE TALK” with your parents or caregivers, many in the group would likely recoil and cringe with discomfort. Most of us probably have stories filled with awkwardness, distress, and anxiety. Parents likely had a similar reaction when they had the talk with their own children. On one hand, sexualized material infiltrates many aspects of our everyday lives with television shows, movies, advertisements, etc. On the other hand, the topic of sex is still taboo for many to talk about comfortably.  

It is vital that parents and caregivers begin talking to their children about their bodies and sex early and in an age-appropriate manner.  

Equipping children with accurate, scientific information about their bodies empowers them to respond appropriately to situations that may be harmful.  

How the Danger Shows Up

There is a story about a child attempting to tell her teacher she was being abused at home. The child had been taught that her vulva was called a cookie. She arrived at school one day and told her teacher that her grandfather had licked her cookie. The teacher readily replied, ‘you should go get another cookie when that happens’. No one knew this child was attempting to tell the teacher that her grandfather had licked her vulva. As a result, the abuse continued until the child could disclose, with more accuracy, the abuse she had experienced. This is an excellent example of the dangers of teaching children incorrect names for their body parts. 
 

From the ages of 8-13, I did not have the language to describe the abuse I endured. I did not know the boundaries of my body extended also to the father figure in my life – not just strangers, classmates, and non-family members. I was not familiar with what constituted abuse. I did not know that there was something I needed to keep telling until I was believed.

I did not know it was wrong.

It is imperative that we provide kids with adequate information so that they can recognize abusive behaviors. 
 

Being Okay with the Discomfort

Toddlers are naturally curious about the differences in physical bodies. And this may cause some uncomfortable conversations at the dinner table. It’s important to remember that toddlers do not feel shame about their bodies until adults in their life unknowingly respond in ways that create embarrassment or guilt.  

Below are some helpful tips and resources to help empower children with an understanding of their bodies.
 

Stay Calm and Neutral  

When my brother was a toddler, he was notorious for pulling his pants down and peeing outside. This is common with young children, and it is understandable that it might ‘freak parents out’, especially if company is over. A parent may respond by frantically telling the child to pull their pants up and to refrain from doing that again while friends are over. The child may be anxiously instructed to only pee in the bathroom with the door shut. While the information being conveyed is necessary and reasonable, the way it is communicated may unknowingly prompt shame, embarrassment and insecurity within the child. A healthy response would be to calmly approach the child and matter-of-factly state that when friends are over, we only pee in the bathroom. This mild, neutral tone does not create a sense of alarm. When a child feels alarm, they have difficulty listening to what we say and are more likely to only absorb the anxious energy put out by the parent. 

 

Eyes, Nose, Elbow, Arm, Penis, Vagina: They Are All Body Parts 

“Every single part of our body has an important job. All parts of our body are good. There are some parts of our body that we keep private.” This should be the focus of our conversations with children. As they grow and ask questions, our answers about the jobs of different body parts will expand and have more depth. We might even have to break out Google when a child asks about the job of the appendix. We can teach kids factually about their bodies. We do not need to assign a label of good or bad; however, we may assign a category of private.
 

Privacy 

It is important that we do teach children about privacy. When we are in public places, at a friend’s house, or even in places like the living room and kitchen, certain parts of the body should be covered. Many people explain private parts by what is covered by a swimsuit; for others, private parts may be extended. You will often have to remind children of what is private, but that should not be done in a shameful tone. It can simply be a reminder. 
 

A Helping Hand  

It’s a complex topic and the layers run deep especially because our children’s safety is at the forefront. Fortunately, there are many resources that can help us along.

Here are some excellent tips for having healthy conversations with children about sex.  

Lots of helpful advice can be found on the Birds & Bees Instagram account.

 

Kendall Wolz heads up the Mental Health and Wellness team that provides individual, family, and group therapy to those seeking care at Mosaic Georgia. As a survivor herself, she has a unique insight into the challenges of living with past trauma, how it impacts lives daily, and what the process of healing truly looks like. Her personal website, Brave Girl, Speak unpacks some of the complex issues that come along with being a survivor of sexual violence. Visit Kendall’s site to read more about her personal journey healing from trauma and peeling the layers to reclaim her true self.

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