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Abuse Occurs in Ways We Least Expect: Keeping Children Safe at the Holidays

by brian in Awareness & Education, Child & Teen Safety

Abuse Occurs in Ways We Least Expect: Keeping Children Safe at the Holidays

Kendall Circle Headshot

By Kendall Wolz
Mental Health and Wellness Manager at Mosaic Georgia

As the holidays are upon us, families and friends will gather around tables to share meals and spend time in each other’s company. Many people look forward to this time of the year to catch up with loved ones they may not get to see often. But for some, the holidays are filled with anxiety, fear, and potentially further harm. Over 90% of child sexual abuse victims know their abuser.1 As hard as it is to fathom, there is a disturbing possibility that a perpetrator could be involved in your holiday traditions.

The purpose of this post is to equip you and your children with strategies to prevent abuse during family gatherings and other holiday celebrations and to respond quickly and appropriately if your child discloses harm.

One of the most heart-wrenching impacts of child sexual abuse is the way it silences victims. The average age of disclosure of child sexual abuse is 52 years.2 Because of the power perpetrators wield over their victims, it is imperative we provide children the tools they need to speak if they experience harm.

Many of us rest in a false security when we gather with those we love. We may think, “no one here would hurt my child” or “there are so many people around and watching, nothing could happen here.” It may feel unbearable to accept the alternative.

When I was a child experiencing ongoing sexual abuse, there were many times my abuser was brazen enough to abuse me in the presence of others. He had manipulated and groomed me into compliance and silence. He knew that he if discreetly touched me inappropriately in a room full of people, I would not scream, I would not speak up. As I reflect on those painful moments, I recognize now what would have been helpful to me and might have prevented some of the harm I experienced.

1. People who say they love us may also harm us, and that does not make it okay.

Does your child know that even if someone says they love them, it is never okay for that person to hurt them? It is never okay for that person to make them feel scared, nervous, or icky. Can your child name an adult they will tell if someone makes them feel that way?

2. Secrets are never okay.

Have you talked about the differences between secrets and surprises with your child ahead of the holidays? If not, now is a great time to begin this conversation. The fundamental differences between secrets and surprises are broken down in one of my previous articles.

3. Empower your child with body autonomy.

Provide your child with the option of saying “no.” If your child doesn’t want to hug great uncle Bob and doesn’t want a kiss on the cheek from great aunt Sue, teach them phrases of polite decline. Then, tell Uncle Bob and Aunt Sue that they cannot hug or kiss your child if they resist or say no. Maybe your child is okay with a handshake, fist bump, or wave instead. Help your child recognize what feels safe to them.

4. Recognize the signs of grooming.

Unfortunately, in the early stages, grooming behaviors often mimic dynamics that occur in healthy relationships. This makes it hard to detect, initially. However, there are some things you can look for when an adult is grooming a child. Is there a person who suddenly begins to show an increased interest in your child? Maybe they have complimented your child’s athletic abilities or musical talents and show interest in supporting them in those areas. Are they spending time alone with your child? Have they started providing for your child in ways they did not previously? Reflecting on my own experience, one of the signs of grooming I recognize as an adult is my abuser inviting me to begin watching the television show Who Wants to Be a Millionaire with him. Prior to the show airing, we never watched television together in his bedroom.

My intention is not to make you fearful about every person your child comes into contact with, but to make you aware that abuse does happen in the presence of other people. Just because it is a holiday does not mean an abuser will abstain from abusing.

If you have children, I hope you will take the time to talk about body rights and healthy touch.

If they appear fearful or nervous around certain people, do not brush it off as shyness- ask questions. Fight through the discomfort this type of conversation may bring.

Have these necessary conversations now.

If you suspect abuse and feel confused, scared, or overwhelmed about what to do next, call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-HOPE (4673). If you live in the Gwinnett County area of Georgia and abuse has been disclosed, please call our Mosaic Georgia crisis line at 866-900-6019 to talk with an advocate who is there to provide you with the resources you need and support you through the process.

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From Awkward to Empowered: Rethinking “the Talk”

by brian in Awareness & Education, Child & Teen Safety

Someone’s Gotta Say It

From Awkward to Empowered: Rethinking “the Talk”

By Marina Sampanes Peed
Executive Director of Mosaic Georgia

Do you remember the whirlwind of emotions and questions that came with growing up? I sure do. Not too long ago, I was gently reminded that I’ve stepped into the “woman of a certain age” chapter in life. And what a vibrant chapter it is! As a proud mom of two wonderful grown-up kids, and having weathered life’s many unexpected twists, I often find myself reflecting on those pivotal parenting moments. Recently, a close friend (and a mom to some spirited youngsters) curiously asked about my journey through their hormone-driven teenage years. With a smile, I admitted, “You know, I thought I had all the answers and would be the perfect parent… until we brought our daughter home from the hospital. Talk about humbling!” 

As parents, our protective instincts are on high alert. From the rising cost of living and healthcare to the daily news about guns, active shooter drills, student debts, and challenges to our fundamental rights, it can feel a bit overwhelming. But amidst this whirlwind, it helps to start where you are, with what is in your control. Let’s begin with those heart-to-heart talks about the changes they are feeling.   

In this rapidly changing world, it’s crucial for adults to overcome their hesitations and ensure our children and teens are well-informed and equipped with facts about their bodies, sexual contact, self-confidence and communication skills.

Discomfort is Just a Feeling: You’re Not Alone

We’ve all been there. That slight unease when broaching certain topics with our kids. Most of us didn’t have great role models in the “birds and the bees” conversations (that I even wrote “birds and the bees” in 2023 should be instructive). Some fear that if you talk about sex, it will encourage them to act on that new information. As if they aren’t naturally curious about the body parts they carry with them already.  

Why Your Silence Isn’t Always Golden

Whether we like it or not, today’s youth are surrounded by sexualized messages – from advertisements, TV and movies, music, social media, and even pornography.  

Here is what we know to be true: Normalizing discussions about bodies, hormones, relationships, values, and consequences are protective factors that can reduce early risky sexual activity and sexual harms.   

Calling body parts the proper terms without blushing or whispering is the first step. Read this next section out loud: 

Start at the top:  Head, forehead, eyes, nose, lips, ears, shoulders, arms, hands, fingers, chest, breast, abdomen, penis, testicles, anus, vulva (includes labia, urethra, clitoris, vagina), thighs, calves, foot, toes.  

If you can’t read or say these words out loud, your assignment is to work through your discomfort.  Parts are parts. 

The Danger of Secrecy and Shame

Kids can read the room. When adults avoid talking about human development or speak with declarative statements that shut down conversation, they create an environment of secrecy and shame. Parents who tell kids to “wait until marriage” (message reinforced to girls) for religious or cultural reasons, without educating about sexual activity, put their kids at greater risk for unintended harms. This creates a fertile ground for abusers. People who sexually abuse and exploit others thrive on coercion and secrecy. They manipulate their victims over time, creating damaging repercussions. The lifelong effects of childhood sexual abuse are many and varied, depending on the type, frequency and intensity of abuse, and child’s relationship to the abuser. 

Did you know 25% of girls and 17% of boys K-12 ages (in both public and private education) have experienced some form of sexual abuse? These statistics represent real individuals, often victims of people within their close circle. Their language used often in describing genitals and the sexual acts reveal a lack of basic education about their bodies. Concerns about pregnancy from non-vaginal intercourse are common

The Statistics Have Names and Faces

At Mosaic Georgia, for example, over 1,500 children and youth are seen each year for harms arising from sexual abuse or exploitation. We’ve worked with minors who became parents due to familial sexual abuse and commercial trafficking. The trajectory of their lives are forever changed because of sexual abuse.

Parents of these youth are often shocked that the abuse was happening and lament that they thought their child was too young to talk about such things. 

And there are as many adults who experienced sexual abuse as children, who later in life seek resources and support in their healing journey. Most victims hold their experiences in silence, fearing that “telling” will cause more harm to themselves and their family. Abstinence-only messages further inflict shame and guilt on young victims, contributing to mental health struggles, including depression, substance abuse, and suicidal thoughts. 

Shifting Perspective: From Discomfort to Empowerment

Think back to your childhood. Do you remember the tingles, the whispers, the giggles, and the myths associated with s-e-x? Remember the confusion and perhaps even the fear?  

We can do better. Comprehensive sexual education goes beyond biology and mechanics to include the emotional and ethical facets. It’s about teaching respect for self and others, understanding boundaries and consent, and fostering healthy relationships. It’s about creating an environment where our children can grow up understanding their bodies, respecting and valuing a partner, and building meaningful, respectful relationships.

Parents as First Teachers, Schools as Allies

Parents weave a tapestry of trust, respect, and knowledge with their kids through everyday conversations. Spending time to listen, share, and even laugh about life’s mysteries will build bonds and trust. While parents are a child’s first teachers, there is no knowledge test to pass in order to become a parent. Parents have varying levels of knowledge, skills, and confidence to talk about human reproduction, pregnancy, childbirth, and parenthood.  

Schools can bridge this information gap, ensuring all students have access to factual information and understand the risks and consequences of varied sexual activity. And the curriculum is a great basis for discussion between parent and child.  

A collaborative approach ensures that all our children receive consistent, relevant, and age-appropriate information. This shared responsibility can also alleviate some of the pressures parents might feel about having these discussions on their own.

Resources to Help

For parents who may be unsure where to start or how to approach these topics, there are numerous resources available. Organizations like Mosaic Georgia, among others, offer tools to initiate these essential conversations.  

There are more books and curriculum on-line that you can read first, then share with your kids. Sometimes it’s easiest for each to read on their own and then discuss together.  Like a book club for child/adolescent health.

Call to Act: An Investment in Their Future

It’s natural to feel discomfort, but let’s channel that unease into action. After all, our children’s empowerment and safety are well worth the effort. 

When we know better, we do better.

The path forward is paved with knowledge, empathy, and understanding. Let’s take the necessary steps to ensure that our children grow up with the confidence and tools they need to navigate the complex world of sexual health and relationships. After all, knowledge is not just power; it’s empowering. 

Thank you for reading this to the end. If you’d like to talk with me about protecting all our children, please reach out to marinap@mosaicga.org  Let’s be the best village we can be for future generations. 

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February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month: How Can Adults Help?

by brian in Awareness & Education, Child & Teen Safety

February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month: How Can Adults Help?

Co-authored by Marina Sampanes Peed and Amanda Makrogianis Mickelsen

One in three teens experiences verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual abuse from a dating partner.

That’s a lot of young people.

Our society’s cultural norms foster these harms in a way that goes unnoticed, largely because these models are woven into the fabric of our collective mindset. Becoming aware of problematic norms and talking openly about their implications can help to change the conversation and lead to a shift towards healthy relationships.

What Exactly Is Teen Dating Violence?
Most people think of violence in the most visible form – physical harms. In fact, relationship violence includes many forms of violations of interpersonal trust and care. Dating violence (any relationship actually) may include verbal assaults and degradation, sexual coercion, assault, and abuse, psychological abuse, stalking, financial, and cyber-bullying.

The Norms We Know
The teen years are full of cognitive and physiological changes, hormonal evolutions and the navigation of social and structural expectations. Add to the mix that technology provides young people 24/7 access to pornography and constant sexual messages in marketing, social media, and entertainment…and quite the recipe emerges.

Pervasive cultural beliefs around sexuality and gender roles perpetuate unhealthy relationships and contribute to the normalization of dating violence among teens.

“Boys will be boys” and “She loves me” and “It’s not that bad”.

Society perpetuates beliefs that coercion is part of a mating dance. Girls learn very early to expect sexual aggression and violence while simultaneously being expected to prevent it.  When attachment occurs, it is tempting to excuse a partner’s harmful behavior.

The Cycle of Relationship Violence
The Teen Power and Control Wheel shows how the cycle perpetuates itself without intervention.

People who abuse may believe:

  • they possess their partner
  • strength equals physical aggressiveness
  • they have the right to control their partner in any way, including demanding intimacy
  • being a “nice guy” can cause young males to lose social capital

Their partners may believe:

  • their partner’s jealousy and possessiveness is romantic
  • they are “lucky” to have a cute, popular or powerful person “into them”
  • they are the ones responsible for solving problems in the relationship
  • abuse is normal because friends or other peers may also experience it

Our Impact
It is promising to know that this unhealthy mindset can merely be a developmental phase, leaving much opportunity for growth and change.

Young minds are like sponges absorbing information through societal observation – at home, within the family, and what is seen and read on TV, movies and in books. Their sense of self-worth is garnered from parents, family, friends and peer groups. Yet sex and consent are not topics that are talked about openly and can be seen as taboo in many households and societal institutions like church or school.

How Can Adults Provide Guidance?

  • Model healthy, nonviolent communication and self-respect
  • Be good listeners
  • Point out healthy relationships
  • Talk about the established cultural norms – and don’t be afraid to challenge them
  • Affirm individual worth and importance
  • Encourage young people to express their feelings
  • Provide tools to navigate various social settings
  • Offer a safe space for teens to talk among themselves

Challenging the Norms
Although parents may feel further away from their children during the teen years, it’s important to remember that their perceptions around established norms can shift as difficult conversations about dating violence are kept front and center. In the paraphrased words of Martin Luther King Jr. ‘our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter’.

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Sexual Abuse & Disabilities: Myths & Realities

by brian in Awareness & Education

Someone’s Gotta Say It:

Sexual Abuse & Disabilities: Myths & Realities

Marina Headshot

By Marina Sampanes Peed, Executive Director of Mosaic Georgia

March is Disabilities Awareness Month, so it is a good time to dispel some myths and talk about how sexual abuse harms many of our most vulnerable kids, friends and neighbors. Disabilities affect a wide range of people with varying degrees of severity. Disabilities include impairments of the body structure/function, or mental function, that limit activities, restrict participation and ability to interact with the world. Not all disabilities are visible to the average observer.

What is Sexual Abuse?

Sexual harms can take many forms including unwanted touching, groping, sexual harassment, sexual coercion, sexual assault, and rape. Other “non-contact” forms include taking explicit images, showing pornography, exposing one’s genitals or asking them to expose themselves.

Invisible Victims & Hidden Harms

In 2022, approximately 15% of the clients we served at Mosaic Georgia had one or more disabilities. Our advocates provide support to the primary victim and non-offending caregivers or loved ones. Working beside survivors, families, law enforcement, and care providers, we see the surprise, fear, and bewilderment after a disclosure. Here are the most common misconceptions we hear, and the untold realities regarding them.

Myth #1: People with disabilities are not at risk for sexual abuse because they are not sexual beings nor sexually active.

Reality: People with disabilities have the same sexual desires and needs as non-disabled people.  Because this myth is prevalent, few children and youth with disabilities are taught about their own sexual development and health of their bodies. This information vacuum makes them more vulnerable to people who befriend (groom) them for abusive purposes.

Myth #2: Sexual abuse of people with disabilities is rare.

Reality: Most women with disabilities (83%) will be sexually assaulted in their lives. Half of girls who are deaf have been sexually assaulted compared to 25% of girls who are hearing; 54% of boys who are deaf have been sexually abused compared to 10% of boys who are hearing.

Myth #3: Any sex activity with a disabled person is rape because people with disabilities are not capable of giving consent.

Reality: Consent is a complex issue that depends on many factors, including the individual’s cognitive and communication abilities, understanding of the situation, and level of comfort and safety. While some may have difficulty with communication or decision-making, this does not mean that they are unable to consent to sexual activity. Just like everyone else, it is important to ensure that all parties involved in sexual activity are able to give informed and enthusiastic consent.

Myth #4: People with developmental disabilities are unreliable; they cannot communicate about sexual abuse or understand what is happening to them.

Reality:   Most can communicate about sexual abuse – either directly or indirectly. Some may communicate in nonverbal ways, such as through gestures, facial expressions, sign language or assistive technology. It is important for caregivers and advocates to be aware of these communication methods and to take them seriously. It is also important to recognize that people with intellectual or developmental disabilities may understand what is happening to them, even if they have difficulty communicating it.

Myth #5: People with disabilities are not attractive to sexual predators.

Reality: Sexual predators target vulnerable people. Because people with disabilities are often perceived as lacking agency and independence, they can be seen as easy targets for abuse. Issues such as social isolation, dependence on caregivers, lack of sexual health education, and limited resources/support make them more vulnerable to abuse.

Bonus Myth #6: People with disabilities cannot be sexual predators. 

Reality: People with disabilities can be both victims and perpetrators of sexual abuse. It is important to recognize that sexual abuse is a complex issue and can occur in any type of relationship, including between people with disabilities. The Justice Department found that people with intellectual disabilities are even more likely to be raped by someone they know. For women without disabilities, the rapist is a stranger 24 percent of the time, but for a woman with an intellectual disability it is less than 14 percent of the time. Furthermore, often it’s another person with a disability — at a group home, or a day program, or work — who commits the assault. Compiled data from 500 cases of suspected abuse in 2016 showed that 42 percent of the suspected offenders were themselves people with intellectual disabilities. Staff made up 14 percent of the suspects; relatives were 12 percent; and friends, 11 percent. (Shapiro, 2018) 

While so many people with disabilities experience some form of sexual abuse in their lifetime, only 3% of sexual abuses are ever reported.  This makes a case for increasing awareness of the vulnerabilities, how, when, and where abuses occur, and also develop prevention strategies.

Let us work to create a society that ensures everyone is able to live free from abuse and harm.

 

For more information:

https://thearc.org/our-initiatives/criminal-justice/talk-about-sexual-violence/

www.disabilityjustice.org/sexual-abuse/#

https://www.unfpa.org/news/five-things-you-didnt-know-about-disability-and-sexual-violence

 

Shapiro, Joseph (2018)
NPR, The Sexual Assault Epidemic No One Talks About

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Did You Know?

by miguelm in Awareness & Education, JUSTICE

Did You Know?

 

Did you know that in America every 92 seconds someone is sexually assaulted? Or that people between ages 12 and 24 are at higher risk for sexual assault and rape? How about that 1 in every 10 rape victims are male? Or that 21% of TGQN (Transgender, Genderqueer, Nonconforming) college students have been sexually assaulted? (Victims of Sexual Violence: Statistics. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.rainn.org/statistics/victims-sexual-violence)

Did you know that the LGBTQ+ (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer) Community is at higher risk for sexual assault and rape? Within the community, transgender people and bisexual women are at the highest risk. 61% of bisexual women, 47% of bisexual men, and 40% of gay men experience rape, physical violence, stalking, and/or other forms of sexualized violence. From the 61% of bisexual women, almost half (48%) were raped before age 18. (Human Rights Campaign. (n.d.). Sexual Assault and the LGBTQ Community. Retrieved from https://www.hrc.org/resources/sexual-assault-and-the-lgbt-community)

Due to the discrimination that people within the LGBTQ+ Community face from strangers, coworkers, family, the community at large, even friends, most of these crimes go unreported or are never even told to anyone. Additionally because of this discrimination, most LGBTQ+ victims and survivors feel that they cannot reach out for help. Here at Mosaic Georgia we are pleased to serve all victims because sexualized violence knows no sexual orientation, race, gender, age, or socioeconomic status. We will treat you with respect and guide you through this difficult process.

If you or someone you know is a victim of sexualized violence please call our 24-hour crisis line at 866-900-6019 to speak with a trained Advocate. If you are 18 or older we can even explain what non-investigative options, you have.

 

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After Awareness, the Empathy Begins: Tools for Being a Good Ally

by brian in Awareness & Education

Someone’s Gotta Say It

 

After Awareness, the Empathy Begins: Tools for Being a Good Ally

By Marina Sampanes Peed
Executive Director of Mosaic Georgia

Monthly ribbons are visible reminders of important issues, yet they fail to capture the depth and complexity of challenges faced by survivors and advocates.

Once we’re aware, what happens next?

In this social media culture where people share photos of their meals (photo first, then eat!), it feels like people in the US over-share. And yet… as open as we may appear, some personal matters are difficult to talk about, even with loved ones: life-threatening illness, domestic violence, child abuse, sexual harassment and assault, scams and sextortion. These conjure feelings of fear, shame, self-blame and vulnerability. When these emotions simmer amidst life’s daily challenges, social connections and feelings of belonging are often threatened.

Why is the person who experienced harm – be it medical, physical, sexual, financial – often reluctant to tell those closest to them? The most common reasons are embarrassment and fear of the response(s) they will receive. The questions: why were you…? what were you…? I told you…

Teens and young adults are especially fearful of disclosing abuse.

To Be An Ally, Begin Before Something Happens

It all starts with knowing yourself. You don’t have to be a superhero – just being there is often enough. An ally is not responsible for fixing anything. Resist the urge to “problem solve.” A safe, calm presence is most important.

And if crisis situations aren’t your thing, that’s okay. But it’s worth thinking about how you might handle them in advance.

Let your friends and family know that you’re there for them, no matter what. Make it clear that you won’t judge or lecture. Remember, just like the pickpocket is responsible for lifting a wallet, the person who harasses, assaults, or abuses is responsible for their actions. So, avoid questions like “What were you wearing?” or “Why didn’t you do ‘this’?”

The best allies:

  • Are trustworthy.
  • Listen more than talk.
  • Respond, don’t react: Remain calm, absorb their heavier energy to help release traumatic stress.
  • Keep information confidential. “It’s not my story to share” is a good reminder.
  • Are patient. Recognize that it takes a lot of time to work through what’s happened. It is different for each person.

First Things First

1. Believe and Validate

When someone opens up to you, start by letting them know you believe them and that you’re there to support them. For example: “I believe you, and I’m here to support you in any way I can.”

2. Listen Without Judgment

Listen actively, reflect their feelings, and let them share at their own pace. Avoid pressuring them to disclose more than they’re comfortable with. For example: “It sounds like you’re feeling scared/angry/sad. Is that accurate?”

3. Respect Their Autonomy

Offer options, respect their choices, and empower them to make their own decisions. For example: “What do you want/need right now?” “There are different paths you can take from here. Let me know how I can support you in your decisions.”

4. Offer Practical Support

When communicating, remember that it’s not just about the words – body language and tone of voice matter too. You might: remind them of importance of sound sleep; offer a place where they can feel safe to sleep undisturbed. Encourage hydration; the body needs water to be healthy – physically and mentally. Offer to accompany them to appointments, provide resources, and help with everyday tasks to ease their burden.

5. Educate Yourself

Learn about trauma, understand available resources, and offer informed support. For example: “I’ve researched some local support services that you might find helpful.”

6. Practice Self-Care

If you are a partner, parent, or roommate, this experience will impact your daily life. Set boundaries, take breaks, and seek support for yourself when needed.

Remember:

When someone trusts you enough to share their experience of abuse or assault, it’s crucial to listen without judgment and validate their feelings. It’s not about having all the answers or offering solutions; it’s about being a compassionate presence and letting them know they are not alone.

Calm can be just as contagious as fear and stress. So, breathe deeply and keep yourself steady.

By being a supportive ally, you can make a real difference in someone’s life. So, let’s stand together and create a culture of empathy, support, and understanding for all survivors.

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