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Healing Isn’t Linear: What Mental Health Looks Like After Trauma

by Susan Nerenbaum in Support & Healing, Survivor Stories & Advocacy

Healing Isn’t Linear: What Mental Health Looks Like After Trauma 

A Reflection for Mental Health Awareness Month by survivor Jacque Riley & Sarah Marin, Wholeness Collective Coordinator

Introduction: Honoring the Realities of Healing

May is Mental Health Awareness Month: a time to honor the truth behind the word “healing.” For many survivors of trauma, healing doesn’t look like what people imagine. It’s not always progress and peace. It doesn’t follow a straight path. It stumbles. It circles back. It rests. It climbs. And still—it moves. 

This piece is a collaboration between survivor Jacque and myself- written together to reflect what healing actually looks like after trauma. Not the polished, picture-perfect version people often expect, but the real, messy, powerful journey that unfolds when someone chooses to survive, again and again. 

 

About the Healing Journey (Jacque) 

When I think about my healing journey, the word that comes to mind is grateful. Not because it’s been easy, but because I’m proud of myself. I am proud I chose to ask for help, even when it scared me. That first step was terrifying, but I took it anyway. 

When I picture my healing journey, I see a butterfly. I started off in caterpillar mode—rough, hidden, unsure of myself. I didn’t know what I would become. But now, I’ve blossomed into a beautiful butterfly. I still have days where I feel like I’m crawling again, but I know I’ve grown. 

 

Healing Isn’t a Race (Jacque) 

There was a time I believed I should already be over it. Since my abuse happened so long ago, I often think that I should be completely healed and further in my healing journey. But my therapist has helped me realize that it is not a race, and my healing journey does not have a timer on it. That reminder changed everything. 

For so long, I felt like I was failing at healing. Like there was a deadline I had missed. I’d catch myself thinking things like, “Why am I still struggling?” or “Other people seem to move on so much faster, what’s wrong with me?” But the truth is, there is no finish line. There is no universal timeline. 

Do you ever feel like people expect you to be “over it”? How do you handle those moments?
Yes, I have had my own family tell me that this trauma should not affect me 20 years later. But I remind them: I was nine years old when the abuse began. I didn’t have the tools, the words, or the support to process it then. I’m only now learning how to heal, and that’s valid. When those kinds of comments come up, I try to use them as an opportunity to educate. I remind people that everyone’s healing journey is different. No one gets to decide how long someone should hurt, or when they should be “over it.” 

 

Why do we give ourselves a timeline? (Sarah) 

This feeling is incredibly common. Many survivors believe that because time has passed, their pain should have passed too. But trauma doesn’t move on just because the calendar does. 

Healing isn’t a race. There’s no gold medal for getting through it faster. In fact, rushing can lead to avoidance, disconnection, or even re-traumatization. True healing happens slowly, at the pace your nervous system, your memories, and your sense of safety allow. 

Some days may feel like huge steps forward. Others may feel like you’ve taken five steps back. Both are part of the journey. And neither mean that you’re doing it wrong. 

 

The Ups and Downs of Healing (Jacque) 

I’ve had moments where I felt like I was making real progress. I was sleeping better. I was smiling more. And then, out of nowhere, the nightmares would come back. The memories. The shame. I’d shut down. I’d lash out. I’d go into survival mode like I used to. And every time, I’d think, “Why am I back here again?” 

But I’ve learned to respond differently now. I breathe. I pray. I put on gospel music. I take a walk. I remind myself: I am safe now. That phrase has become my anchor. 

I remember when the hard days meant putting my phone on Do Not Disturb, isolating myself, and spiraling into negative thoughts until I gave myself a migraine. I’d lie there with it all bottled up inside. Now, I picture the beach, my safe place. I talk to my therapist. I check in with my pastor. I lean on my support group sisters. 

I don’t carry it all alone anymore. And that, more than anything, is what healing has taught me: I don’t have to do this by myself.
 

Asking for Help: A Turning Point (Jacque) 

I first asked for help when I was a child, but like so many other African American survivors, I was silenced. I told my mother what had happened, and she didn’t believe me. Later, in grade school, I wrote a school assignment called The Man Sneaking Into My Bedroom, describing the worst thing I had ever experienced. My teacher read it and was brought to tears. He did what he was supposed to and reported it to the school guidance counselor and the resource officer. A caseworker from foster care came to the school and pulled me out of class. My mother was there too. I remember her looking at them and saying I had made the whole thing up, that I was delusional.  

 

And just like that, my truth was dismissed. 

 

I carried that silence with me for years. I repressed the memory completely until a few years ago, when the nightmares came back. It was like my body and mind were trying to force me to remember what I had tried so hard to forget. That’s when I realized I had never really dealt with it, and I needed help. Asking for help as an adult was still incredibly hard. I felt ashamed, unsure, and honestly terrified. But I had reached a point where I felt completely lost. The abuse, the trauma, the secrets, they were eating me alive. I knew that if I didn’t get help, I wasn’t going to make it. Reaching out wasn’t easy, but it saved me. 

 

Why Is Asking for Help So Hard? (Sarah) 

Asking for help can feel like one of the hardest things to do, especially for people who have experienced trauma. And there are good reasons for that. 

For many survivors, silence was once a form of protection. Staying quiet may have been the only way to stay safe, be believed, or avoid further harm. Over time, this silence can become internalized, making vulnerability feel dangerous, even when it’s not anymore. 

There’s also fear: fear of not being believed, fear of being judged, fear of being a burden, and fear of losing control by letting someone in. And beneath that, there’s often shame. Trauma often tells people, “this was your fault.” Or “you should be over it by now.” These messages can be reinforced by family, culture, or society, and they make it even harder to reach out. Sometimes, asking for help means admitting something is real. And for people who’ve spent years trying to function, numb, or forget, that admission can feel overwhelming. 

But here’s the truth:
Survivors are not weak for needing support. They are incredibly strong for surviving in the first place. And choosing to ask for help, despite all those fears, is a powerful, courageous act.  

Healing doesn’t require perfection. It just asks us to begin.  

Even quietly. Even scared. Even one small step at a time. 

 

Growth and Resilience (Jacque) 

What does strength look like to you?
BEING COURAGEOUS. Not backing down to people, thoughts, or feelings. And being vocal, because I will no longer be silenced. 

My friends have been such a great help by making me laugh. changing the subject and always doing mental health checks. Just knowing they’re there helps me feel less alone. Communities like Mosaic Georgia and Tamar Support Group have made a big difference. Being in spaces where people truly understand what it means to survive has helped me feel seen and supported. I also tap into my creative side and do art therapy and journal weekly. 

 

Mental Health & Unlearning Messages (Jacque) 

Sometimes I feel like I’ve done so much healing work, then something triggers me and I feel like I’m right back where I started. It’s frustrating. 

But I remind myself: You are doing better.
We’re just often too hard on ourselves to see it. Healing doesn’t mean never having bad days. It means learning how to meet those days differently. I don’t spiral like I used to. And even when I struggle, I recover faster. That’s growth! 

 

Stop Comparing. Start Allowing. (Sarah) 

One of the most common things I hear from survivors is this:
“Other people had it worse. So why do I feel like this?” Let me be clear:
 

There is no healing hierarchy.  

Pain is pain. Trauma is trauma. Your experience is valid, even if someone else’s looks different. 

Comparison only keeps us quiet. It keeps us doubting ourselves, downplaying our emotions, or trying to “earn” the right to heal. But healing begins when we stop asking, “Is my pain bad enough?” and instead start asking, “What do I need right now?” 

You don’t have to justify your feelings. You don’t have to measure your pain against anyone else’s. You’re not being dramatic. You’re not too sensitive. You’re having a completely human response to harm.
 

How to Support a Survivor: What Survivors Need Most (Sarah) 

Healing is powerful, but even more so when survivors are supported by the people around them. If you are a family member, partner, or friend to someone healing from trauma, your presence matters. 

Here’s how to help: 

  • Believe them. Don’t question the timeline. Don’t ask “why now?” 
  • Avoid giving advice. Just listen. Offer validation like, “That sounds so hard. I’m here.” 
  • Never rush their healing. There’s no timeline for trauma recovery. 
  • Check in consistently. Don’t only show up when they “seem okay.” 
  • Respect their boundaries. Empowerment comes from making their own choices.  

Above all: Survivors need to know they are not a burden. Being supported, without conditions, shame, or pressure, is often what makes healing possible. 

 

Looking Ahead 

A message to survivors from Jacque:  

Take your time and find what works best for you, because healing journeys are like snowflakes: no two look the same. What helps someone else may not be what helps you, and that’s okay. Look for community, because I promise you, you are not alone. Give yourself grace, especially on the hard days. I’m still learning not to be so hard on myself, because none of this is our fault. And try not to overthink everything, it will only lead to breaking your own heart. 

 

A Final Word from Sarah 

As we honor Mental Health Awareness Month, I want to thank Jacque for her courage in sharing her story. Not just for herself, but for every survivor who’s still finding their voice. Her words remind us that healing doesn’t have to be perfect to be real. That setbacks don’t erase progress. And that even in the hardest moments, we are never truly alone. 

To every survivor reading this: your story matters. Your healing matters. Whether you’re just beginning or years into your journey, you are worthy of support, care, and compassion. 

This month, and every month, we see you. We believe you. And we are walking beside you. 

You are not alone. 

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The Rights of Victims Matter, Too

by Susan Nerenbaum in Support & Healing

The Rights of Victims Matter, Too 

Marina Headshot (1)

By Marina Sampanes Peed
Executive Director of Mosaic Georgia

April 7–11 marks National Crime Victims’ Rights Week (NCVRW)—a time to honor survivors, acknowledge those working in victim services, and examine how our systems respond to harm. This year’s theme, KINSHIP: Connecting and Healing, is both a reflection and a call to action. It reminds us that when people experience trauma, they don’t just need procedures—they need people. Connection. Compassion. Respect. And rights.


 

The System at Work
When a felony crime occurs in Georgia, it is considered a crime against the State, not just against an individual victim. So the adjudication system and rules are built to protect due process for the accused, and rightly so. But what about the crime victim? The person who was abused, assaulted, or trafficked is not a party to the charges; they become a witness—or more pointedly, a piece of evidence—in the pursuit of justice. They are essential to the case against the accused, but the system is not structured around their needs, trauma, or recovery.  

That’s why the Crime Victims’ Bill of Rights, including the passage of Marsy’s Law in Georgia, is so important. It brought clarity and legal weight to what many already knew was necessary: that crime victims deserve to be informed, present, and heard throughout the judicial process. 

Marsy’s Law affirms a crime victim’s legal right to: 

  • Be notified of and present at court proceedings 
  • Be heard at key moments like plea or sentencing hearings 
  • Confer with prosecutors 
  • Be treated with dignity and fairness 
  • Seek restitution and protection 
  • Be free from unreasonable delay in proceedings  
  • File a motion if their right to be notified is not honored 

These rights do not interfere with the rights of the accused—they are meant to ensure the person who was harmed is not lost in the fast pace of docket-setting and legal negotiations. This is particularly critical for victims of sexual violence, who face unique and deeply personal challenges in the aftermath of assault. 

When someone is sexually violated, it’s not only their body that’s harmed—it’s their sense of self, safety and trust. 

 It’s the loss of agency, safety, and control. Survivors often describe feeling belittled, frightened, and powerless—not just in the moment of the assault, but long afterward. Their world is changed, and their trust in others—especially systems—is shaken.  

For assault survivors who do report the crime (most do not report), they do so seeking more than legal action. They want validation that what happened to them was wrong. They want to feel safe again. And most of all, they want to prevent the person who harmed them from doing it to anyone else. 

But the criminal justice system is a highly technical environment. Victims have no legal standing in the proceedings, limited voice, and little control over how or when the case progresses. And the defense will make every effort to discredit the victim and their allegations. Imagine navigating that system—while trying to work, go to school, raise children, or keep food on the table. The emotional toll is immense.  

System-induced trauma occurs when systems and their processes cause compound stressors which create negative, traumatic responses; this can occur in places created to mitigate trauma.  

Within this system are many deeply committed professionals—prosecutors, investigators, judges, and advocates—who work tirelessly to uphold justice and support survivors. While the structure may not always center the needs of victims, the compassion, patience, and determination of the people inside the system can make all the difference. 

Clients consistently tell us that their most positive experiences came from interactions with people in the system who took time—who didn’t seem rushed or distracted, who listened, and who treated them with kindness and respect. Participation resistance increases when survivors don’t feel seen.
We are all busy and under-resourced. And yet, remembering the humanity in one another makes the work more productive, more compassionate, and more worthwhile.
 

Mosaic Serves Victim’s Needs
At Mosaic Georgia, we stand in that space between systems and survivors.  We serve children, teens, and adults who have experienced sexual abuse, exploitation, and other interpersonal violence. Our role is to help survivors navigate the aftermath—through trauma-responsive care, legal advocacy, counseling, and community-based healing. We also collaborate with system partners to ensure victims’ rights are upheld and their needs recognized throughout the process.  

Through our Wholeness Collective, we offer restorative practices that support mind, body, and community—because resilience requires more than surviving; it requires connection. 

That’s why KINSHIP resonates so deeply. It reminds us that survivors are not “cases” or “evidence.” They are human beings—with names, families, fears, and futures. 

As we say often: 

“When a survivor comes forward, it’s not just a report—it’s a risk. A leap of faith.” 

“The frontlines of prevention aren’t in courtrooms—they’re in classrooms, workplaces, homes, and communities. It starts when we call out behaviors and attitudes that allow harm to grow.” 

 “If you’ve ever wondered whether you should say something, you probably should.” 

 

Every Role Matters 

Ways you can support survivors and strengthen our community 

If you’re a parent, teacher, or employer: 

  • Create environments where people feel safe to speak up. 
  • Listen without judgment. Believe them. 
  • Learn the signs of abuse—and what resources are available. 
  • Let people know: “You’re not alone. Help is here.” 

If you’re a survivor of sexual violence: 

  • Whether or not you’ve reported the crime, you deserve safety, dignity, and healing. 
  • What happened to you was not your fault. 
  • You have rights, and you are not alone. 
  • Mosaic Georgia is here to support you—on your terms, at your pace. 

If you’re a funder or donor: 

  • Your investment in Mosaic Georgia helps survivors access trauma-informed care, legal advocacy, and holistic healing. 
  • With your continued support, we can reach more people and build a more responsive, connected system of care. 

If you work in the justice system: 

  • Your role is critical. Survivors remember the professionals who took time, listened, and treated them with respect. 
  • Your leadership shapes how the system functions—and how victims feel in it. 
  • Thank you for showing up with compassion, even when resources are stretched thin. 

Together, we can ensure every survivor is seen, heard, and supported. 

My abuser was someone I loved, trusted, and wanted to know and be known by. He was someone I saw every single day. My family accepted him and welcomed him.

If you’ve followed my blog or read previous posts, you know the excitement I expressed for the popular television show, Who Wants to Be A Millionaire. I literally could not wait for the show to air in 1999. We only had antennas and two televisions in the trailer where I could watch the show. One television was in the living room but that is where my siblings often did their homework in the evening. The other television was in my mom and stepdad’s bedroom. When my stepdad invited me to watch the show, it seemed like the best of both worlds. Time with the person I trusted and loved AND I got to watch what I believed would be the best show ever.

It seems strange to label sexual abuse as gentle, but from a physical perspective, it was, in the beginning. I didn’t leave the room that first night in any kind of pain. But emotionally, I was filled with ambivalence.

I LOVED the show, Who Wants to be a Millionaire.

I ENJOYED getting the undivided attention of my stepdad.

I TRUSTED my stepdad would never do anything to harm me.

I was DISGUSTED by the evidence of the abuse on me.

I was CONFUSED by the passive threat he made before I left the room.

I FEARED someone would find out about our new secret.

At eight years old, these were strong, complex emotions that totally overwhelmed my system. I could not assess what was true, right, or healthy. As a result of the ambivalence, I had to rest on my default belief which was based on a general trust of people older than me. I needed those people to survive. If I could not trust them, how would I make it in the world?

Kids should be able to long for and love quality time with a parent. It is normal and healthy for a child to desire those things. My need for that perception of love was normal. I chose what was normal over and over- quality time with my stepdad and getting to watch my favorite show. Though it came with other hard feelings, the desire for love and acceptance won, over and over again.
So, ambivalence kept me quiet for a long time. And it keeps a lot of kids quiet.

When you hear a child disclose abuse, please know they have likely fought through the power of ambivalence. It is an incredible step of courage and bravery to go against the defaults to tell their story. Please accept that the ambivalence will not disappear overnight. Healing takes time.

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Healing Together: The Vital Role of Support Groups for Women After Sexual Trauma

by Susan Nerenbaum in Support & Healing

Healing Together: The Vital Role of Support Groups for Women After Sexual Trauma

Kendall Circle Headshot

By Kendall Wolz
Mental Health and Wellness Manager at Mosaic Georgia

Breaking the Silence: Why Support Matters
Sexual trauma can leave emotional, psychological, physical, and spiritual wounds in its wake. Many survivors struggle with feelings of shame,

 isolation, and fear, making it difficult to reach out for help. Many also question who they can turn to and where they can go for support. Individual therapy is a powerful tool for healing and is often an important part of the healing journey. However, trauma-based support groups offer something that is not readily available in the individual counseling setting—community, understanding, and shared strength. 

Support groups provide a safe, confidential space for survivors to connect with others who have walked a similar path. In these spaces, women can share their stories, express emotions freely, and receive encouragement from those who are most likely to understand.

A Safe Space for Healing
A trauma-informed support group is more than just a meeting—it is a sanctuary, a sacred place where healing occurs. It is a place where survivors are met with compassion and without judgment and a place where they can give and receive support. Being surrounded by people who validate experiences can be a crucial step toward self-acceptance and healing. Too many survivors have been met with ridicule, blame, disbelief, invalidation, and hatred when they come forward to share their experiences. It is vital that spaces are cultivated where healing messages are witnessed and internalized.

Shared Experiences, Shared Strength
One of the most powerful aspects of support groups is the community they provide and the realization that one is not alone on their journey. While the factors and circumstances surrounding a sexual assault vary greatly, the experience of dehumanization is something most survivors relate to. Sexual trauma fundamentally violates a person’s autonomy and dignity, reducing them to an object rather than a human being with rights and feelings. The experience of having personal boundaries violated and one’s humanity disregarded forms a common thread that transcends the specific details of each survivor’s trauma. And being in a space where women are at different time points in their healing journey allows one to see both how far they’ve come and the future ahead of them.

The Power of Women Supporting Women: A Legacy of Collective Healing
We all have an innate need to be seen, heard, and valued by another person. Sexual trauma invalidates this need and sends the message that it is dangerous to be seen, heard, or valued by others. This can lead to withdrawal and isolation as a protective mechanism. 

Throughout history, women have created powerful networks of support during times of crisis and trauma. From the consciousness-raising groups of the 1970s feminist movement to the #MeToo movement of recent years, women have consistently demonstrated that collective healing is revolutionary. These spaces draw upon a rich historical tradition where women have gathered to share wisdom, provide mutual aid, and challenge systems of oppression that enable violence against women. 

In the support groups offered at Mosaic Georgia for female-identifying survivors, women participate in this historical continuum of care. Here, they have the opportunity to show up in a safe space where they can begin to rebuild authentic, caring relationships. The weekly to bi-weekly interactions with other women who simply “get it” leads to friendships that will last beyond the support group curriculum. These friendships form a vital support network that helps sustain women on their healing journey after sexual trauma. 

When women come together in these spaces, they not only heal themselves but contribute to a broader societal healing. By sharing their stories and supporting one another, they help break intergenerational cycles of trauma and create new narratives of resilience and empowerment. This collective strength has been a cornerstone of women’s advancement throughout history—the understanding that when one woman heals, she creates space for others to do the same. 

Kendall Wolz heads up the Mental Health and Wellness team that provides individual, family, and group therapy to those seeking care at Mosaic Georgia. As a survivor herself, she has a unique insight into the challenges of living with past trauma, how it impacts lives daily, and what the process of healing truly looks like. Her personal website, Brave Girl, Speak unpacks some of the complex issues that come along with being a survivor of sexual violence. Visit Kendall’s site to read more about her personal journey healing from trauma and peeling the layers to reclaim her true self.

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Love in Action: Beyond Hearts and Roses

by Susan Nerenbaum in Awareness & Education

Someone’s Gotta Say It

 

Love in Action: Beyond Hearts and Roses

 

By Marina Sampanes Peed
Executive Director of Mosaic Georgia

“What the world needs now is love, sweet love. No, not just for some, but for everyone.” The sentiment expressed in this song by Hal David and Burt Bacharach in 1965 still holds true today. The ancient Greeks had at least six words for different types of love. Those of us in philanthropy demonstrate agape, the love for humankind.  A big part of our purpose is to hold up the ideals that make a strong and safe community for everyone, especially for children, youth, people with disabilities, and others outside the mainstream.  At Mosaic Georgia, we see the harmful effects of “love” misused to groom, manipulate, coerce, and force harm.

 

A Month of Love 

February is also Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month, and if we truly care about love and relationships, we need to have some real conversations about what love is—and what it isn’t. Love should never hurt—physically, emotionally, financially, or psychologically. Love is more than a feeling; it is a verb. It requires action, care, and intention. And like any skill, love takes practice. Yet too many young people experience dating violence before they even fully understand what a healthy relationship looks like. In addition to watching adults in their homes, they are inundated with all types of examples on TV, social media, and other apps. 


According to the CDC, about 1 in 12 high school students experience physical or sexual dating violence.

Teen dating violence isn’t just about bruises or controlling behavior. It can look like manipulation, excessive jealousy, threats, and digital abuse—constant monitoring, pressure for explicit photos, or controlling someone’s social media. For some, these patterns start young and escalate over time, making it harder to recognize when something is wrong. 

 

 What It Is and What It’s Not
 

Love is not: 

 “If you love me, you would do this for me, no questions asked.” 

“You’re not allowed to talk to them anymore; it’s disrespectful to me.” 

“I need your passwords so I can trust you.” 

“If you don’t send me that picture, I’ll find someone who will.” 

“You wouldn’t leave me if you really loved me.” (“If you love me, you would…” is not love.)
 

We can do better.
 

Conversations about love and relationships need to start early—long before a young person starts dating. Parents, caregivers, and educators play a vital role in modeling and discussing what respect, boundaries, and consent look like. That means moving beyond the outdated “just say no” messages and equipping young people with real tools to navigate relationships with respect, recognize red flags, and feel empowered to set their own boundaries.

 

 What does this love look like in action?  

  • Talking about emotions openly and encouraging kids to express their feelings in healthy ways. 
  • Helping young people recognize manipulation, coercion, and gaslighting.  
  • Encouraging digital safety and privacy in relationships. 
  • Modeling respect and consent in all relationships—not just romantic ones. 
  • Expressing love in positive ways:
     
    • In work: Recognizing and appreciating colleagues’ efforts, offering support during stressful times, and fostering a culture of respect and encouragement. 
    • In friendship: Being present, listening without judgment, celebrating each other’s successes, and standing by one another through difficult times. 
    • In family: Showing affection through words and actions, respecting boundaries, and prioritizing quality time together. 
    • In romance: Practicing open communication, demonstrating trust, supporting each other’s goals, and expressing appreciation regularly. 

 

For those who’ve already experienced interpersonal violence, it’s never too late to get support. People are reluctant to speak up, fearing shame, disbelief, or retaliation. To create safe, judgment-free spaces for disclosure, just listen.  

 

Don’t ask, “Why did you do that/put up with that?” Instead, say, “Thank you for trusting me with this. It must be hard to share; I know how much you care for them.” Whether it’s a trusted adult, a friend, or a professional, support matters. 

 

Love is not about power or fear. It is an ongoing practice—something we nurture and refine over time through our actions and choices. It’s about mutual care, respect, and safety. This year, let’s commit to showing love with action every day. Because the best gift we can give our young people is the knowledge and confidence to expect and demand healthy relationships. 

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Stories Untold: Breaking the Silence of Sexual Trauma in the Black Community

by Susan Nerenbaum in Survivor Stories & Advocacy

Stories Untold: Breaking the Silence of Sexual Trauma in the Black Community

Erica Legons

Erica Legons
Counselor/Therapist

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Maryam Jordan
Professional Education & Training Services

 

Sexual trauma, in all its devastating forms, leaves deep scars on its victims.For members of marginalized communities, particularly within the Black community, the journey to acknowledge and heal from this trauma is further complicated by cultural stigmas, shame, fear of  judgment, and systemic barriers. This silence, perpetuated by distrust in institutions and invalidation from even close circles, often leaves victims to suffer alone.

Intergenerational trauma plays a significant role in this cycle of silence. Defined by the American Psychological Association (APA) as “the transmission of psychological consequences stemming from an injury, attack, or systemic oppression across generations; intergenerational trauma includes the unresolved wounds of sexual violence”. Within the Black community, the echoes of historical oppression compound this pain, reinforcing patterns of silence and secrecy.
 

The Depth of Trauma

To fully understand the depth of sexual trauma in the Black community, we must confront the stark realities. The statistics reveal a sobering truth: for every Black woman who reports being raped, at least 15 others remain silent. By adulthood, one in four Black girls will have experienced sexual abuse, and 40% to 60% of Black women report coercive sexual contact before the age of 18. These violations often persist into adulthood, with 35% of Black women enduring contact sexual violence in their lifetime and one in five surviving rape. 

The experiences of Black men also shed light on the prevalence of violence. Nearly 40.1% of Black men report physical violence, sexual violence, or stalking by an intimate partner, and nearly 15% have endured intimate partner sexual violence. Behind these harrowing numbers lies a shared reality: systemic racism. Policies and practices born of systemic inequities contribute to heightened rates of violence and erect barriers to accessing care and justice. The result is a perpetuation of harm, isolation, and mistrust. 

Breaking the silence requires us to name these truths and acknowledge how deeply rooted trauma affects our communities. Many of us grew up hearing phrases like, “Oh, they got mental issues,” or “That’s just how they are,” masking the reality of trauma manifesting in our families. These dismissals often obscured the presence of intergenerational trauma, leaving its destructive patterns unchallenged.
  

The Ongoing Cycle 

 Why does this cycle persist? Is it ignorance? Denial? Fear? Shame? Perhaps it is all of these things, but above all, silence plays the most significant role. Within the Black community, silence has become an illusion of safety—an attempt to shield ourselves from pain—but it has only deepened the suffering. Acknowledging the trauma of sexual violence feels overwhelming, but avoidance perpetuates the harm. 

Encouraging silence sends a harmful message to victims. It dismisses their pain, erases their experiences, and denies them the opportunity to heal. Confronting this silence is not easy, but it is essential. It is through recognition, accountability, and collective action that we can dismantle the shame surrounding sexual trauma and illuminate a path to healing.

 

A Way Forward 

As a community, we can reclaim power by making room for the stories of survivors and ensuring they are met with compassion and support. Acknowledgment is a transformative first step; it opens the door to healing, empowerment, and change. By breaking the silence, we create space for hope and resilience, ensuring that the voices of victims are not just heard but uplifted. 

The bridge to hope begins with us—when we listen, believe, and stand together. Let us move forward with a commitment to breaking cycles of silence, holding space for survivors, and fostering a community that acknowledges our pain while building pathways to healing. In this acknowledgment, we find the strength to create a future where stories untold no longer linger in the shadows but instead inspire change and resilience in the light. 

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Someone’s Gotta Say it- Courage in the Face of Betrayal

by Susan Nerenbaum in Legal & Justice System

Someone’s Gotta Say It

 

Courage in the Face of Betrayal 

 

By Marina Sampanes Peed
Executive Director of Mosaic Georgia

“When you’re raped, there is shame, and it’s not for us to have shame, it’s for them”

 

Just before Christmas, verdicts were reached at the conclusion of the four-month trial of Dominique Pelicot and 50 other men charged with raping his wife over the course of almost a decade. This trial was watched and reported by news outlets around the globe. 

How did we, the curious public, come to learn so many details of the horrific sexual abuse of this mother and grandmother organized by her then-husband?  It’s possible because the victim waived her right to anonymity during the trial. In fact, Mme. Gisele Pelicot insisted the images and videos be seen by the court, and she attended every day. Courage is found in moments of profound vulnerability. For survivors of sexual violence, courage can mean finding the strength to speak about the unspeakable, especially when betrayal comes not from a stranger, but from someone they trusted.  

As Madame Pelicot explained:
“It’s true that I hear lots of women, and men, who say ‘you’re very brave.’ I say it’s not bravery, it’s will and determination to change society….I wanted all women victims of rape—not just when they have been drugged, rape exists at all levels—I want those women to say: Mrs. Pelicot did it, we can do it, too. When you’re raped, there is shame, and it’s not for us to have shame, it’s for them.”
 

Incidental Discovery 

How were the crimes discovered and reported?  It all came to light when Dominique Pelicot was arrested at a shopping center for covertly trying to take pictures up women’s skirts (called “upskirting”) in November 2020.  A store employee convinced the victim to tell the police (she was reluctant, but did report).  D. Pelicot’s phone was seized, and then upon finding evidence, his computer was secured. In that search, a library of over 20,000 images and hours of video documenting a drugged woman being raped were found. The images were filed in a hard drive with dates, perpetrators, and sex acts. D. Pelicot confessed immediately.  

For nearly a decade, Dominique Pelicot, posted online to attract men to their home to assault his wife while she slept, claiming it was a kink the couple enjoyed. He recruited assailants from an online forum “a son insu” (Without her Knowledge), where rape and sexual abuse were actively discussed and normalized by users. The police reports show how after initial contact was made, conversations then moved to Skype where D. Pelicot often shared pictures of his unconscious wife being raped. A number of the viewers expressed an interest in having their own partners violated in a similar manner. 

He secretly drugged his wife into unconsciousness and facilitated her rape by numerous men, filming around 200 rapes carried out between 2011 and 2020.  He had a system to prepare the men before entering the bedroom to reduce the likelihood she would have memory of scents or smells. She awoke every morning in her pajamas. 

Mme. Pelicot was unaware of the drugging and assaults; she was, however, experiencing pain, infections, hair loss, foggy brain and memory loss. She thought it might be Alzheimer’s or a brain tumor.  Her adult children and friends noticed that she was changing and encouraged her to get care. Her husband accompanied her to medical appointments.  

Over the last four years, prosecutors built their cases and prepared for trial. While 50 men were identified and brought to trial, an additional 21 men were on video committing rape, but their identities were not confirmed. In December 2024, Dominique Pelicot and 50 other men were convicted of various charges, receiving sentences ranging from three to twenty years. Dominique received the maximum sentence. 

 

What Kind of Man Believes This is Okay?  

The men seemed typical: Of the 51 men arrested, around half were married or in relationships at the time of their arrest, and two-thirds of them have children. Many were employed in working-class jobs. Some professed happy childhoods that would offer little explanation of why they chose to “have sex” with an unconscious woman. Around half disclosed abuse or trauma in childhood. The court investigators found that 11 of the men were likely sexually abused as children, or more than 20%. Fourteen have a history of violence, mostly against women (2 were already in prison when identified as suspects). Fourteen of the men struggled with addiction to alcohol or drugs, one of whom was living in a psychiatric hospital when the police came to arrest him. 

The defendants who denied the charges of rape claimed:  

  • They didn’t realize she was unconscious (despite her snoring) and did not know they were raping her.  
  • Her husband encouraged them to assault her, so he consented for her.  
  • “When the husband is present, it isn’t rape”
     

One defendant told police: “I can tell you that at that moment very bad things happened in my brain… my brain reacted too late, and I didn’t react the way a man should react.”  He also said: “I put my conscience aside… I was thinking with my sexual organ instead of with my brain.”
 

What Kind of Society is Complicit? 

Attempts to understand how so many “regular guys” behave this way boggles the mind of someone with a conscience and empathy.  Sexual intercourse to another person’s body who is not actively and consensually participating is just wrong. It causes harm to the victim (and it could be argued that the perpetrator is harmed at a soul level).

The laws and adjudication process, presumed to protect the public (primarily women and girls) from such harms, are parsed by defense counsel, juries, and judges in ways that result in less than 3% of offenders held accountable.  The discomfort of cognitive dissonance is screaming ‘these things are bad’ and yet our practices and perceptions don’t protect.  Women are often not believed, and few cases are prosecuted. When tried and convicted, the penalties are often not commensurate to the harm caused. Some of the perpetrators in the Pelicot case received as little as three  years for such a grotesque violation of another human’s physical body and right to safety and autonomy.

Making true change demands that we – individually and collectively – decide to feel uncomfortable and truly consider: 

  • What rights and autonomy should you have over your own body?
  • What rights should you have over another’s body?
  • What responsibilities should you have for your sexual behaviors?
  • What should be the consequences of someone physically or sexually harming your body?
  • Would Mme. Pelicot have been believed if she awoke during an assault and gave a hazy recollection of events (without the video)?
  • In the judge’s mind, what factors contributed to the value they associated with the victim’s suffering, inevitably influencing many of the lighter sentences?
  • Why don’t people want to acknowledge or talk about the occurrence of these harms?
  • How can adults today model healthy behaviors and teach children about their bodies, human physical development, puberty, and sexual health?

The depths of betrayal and deceit exceed understanding. Think of how much of her life has been stolen:  The ten years of hidden abuse, the physical and mental ailments and psychological harms, four more years between the reveal and arrest to the trial, four months of courtroom trial activity, listening to the descriptions and watching the videos. The Pelicot adult children and their families are secondary victims, as this has turned their lives upside down.  

In a brief statement outside the courthouse after the verdicts, Madame Pelicot declared that she had “led the fight” for future generations. She wanted to stand strong for her children and grandchildren, so their last name is also a symbol of courage, explaining, “I’m thinking about all the other families affected by this case and the unrecognized victims in these stories that are often in the shadows—you share my struggle.” 

At Mosaic Georgia, we encounter quiet courage every day. Survivors come forward to share their stories, trusting us to believe, support, and help them rebuild their lives. While their cases rarely make headlines or go to trial, their courage is no less significant. And recovering and healing is a lifetime endeavor.  

Gisele Pelicot teaches us that survivors need more than courage—they deserve a community that supports them. Systems of justice, advocacy, and care must be prepared not only to hear survivors but to act on their behalf.  

In 2025, let us commit to fostering a community culture that not only believes survivors but actively works to protect and uplift them. 

  

Alternative questions:  

To someone with a conscience, empathy, and an internal moral compass, the stress of the cognitive dissonance on display can make one’s brain feel like it’s on fire. So many questions.  

  1. How is it that at least 70 men—ages 23 to 70+, many married, and many fathers—believed this was acceptable to sexually assault an unconscious woman? 
  2. Why are men active in dark web forums where married men organize the drugging and raping of their own wives, not just in France, but around the world.   
  3. Would she have been believed if she awoke during an assault and gave a hazy recollection of events? 
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Someone’s Gotta Say it- Get Ready: 2025 Will Be Big, and We Need You

by Susan Nerenbaum in Professional Insights & Experiences, Uncategorized

Someone’s Gotta Say It

 

Get Ready: 2025 Will Be Big, and We Need You 

 

By Marina Sampanes Peed
Executive Director of Mosaic Georgia

As the holiday season unfolds and 2024 comes to a close, I’m reflecting on the progress we’ve made and looking ahead to what’s next. Let me tell you—2025 is shaping up to be a big year. While the future holds uncertainties, one thing is clear: we are steady and sure-footed in our mission. Together, we have ambitious goals and exciting opportunities to create a safer, more compassionate community for everyone. And we can’t do it without you.
 

Big Work Ahead 

Our vision for 2025 isn’t just about continuing what we’ve done; it’s about growing, evolving, and finding innovative ways to address the complex and deeply rooted issues of violence against children and women. 

While our 24/7 response to sexual assault, abuse, and trafficking will remain at the core of what we do, we’re launching new initiatives focused on prevention. This means starting critical conversations that foster awareness, respect, and enthusiastic consent—long before harm occurs. Many people want to address these issues but don’t know how to begin. That’s where we come in; we’ll help you start and sustain these conversations in ways that resonate and inspire action. 

This bold and essential work also includes strengthening community partnerships and breaking down barriers that prevent children, teens, and adults from speaking up and seeking support. Change isn’t easy, but it’s possible—and necessary.
 

A Big Move: Next spring, Mosaic Georgia’s team will come together under one roof in a larger facility in Lawrenceville. Thanks to an incredible partnership with Northside Hospitals, our new center will include additional exam rooms, interview spaces, and private areas for clients and their loved ones. Our expanded space will also enhance our resilience services, offering improved access to legal advocacy, mental health & wellness resources, and prevention education programs. 

Everyone Can Contribute 

Creating safer homes and communities requires a collective effort. There are so many ways to be part of this mission. You can volunteer your time to support survivors, advocate for policies that uplift and protect women, children, and vulnerable populations, or donate to sustain the services that make a real difference. 

Every contribution matters, from supplies for client care packages to monthly donations or major gifts. No act of generosity is too small—all of it adds up to meaningful change.
 

Together, We’re Stronger 

I firmly believe that the goodness of people will prevail. Sometimes, a kind word or a small act of encouragement is all it takes to make someone’s day—or their future. These ripples of kindness aren’t just powerful; they bring light into a world that can often feel dark. 

When people like you stand with us, you send a powerful message: that our community values safety, respect, and justice for all. We’ve seen what’s possible when we work together, and we know that 2025 will be no different. 

As we prepare to step into the new year, I invite you to join us in this big work. Let’s move forward together, one step at a time, with courage and compassion. Together, we can create a community where everyone feels safe, valued, and supported. 

Here’s to 2025 and the transformative work we’ll do together. Thank you for being part of the Mosaic Georgia team. 

Wishing you peace, joy, and determination in the year ahead. 

 Contribute to our End-of-Year Giving campaign.  

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The Resilience of Traditions

by Susan Nerenbaum in Wellness & Self-Care

The Resilience of Traditions

Kendall Circle Headshot

By Kendall Wolz
Mental Health and Wellness Manager at Mosaic Georgia

Traditions form the backbone of our cultural and personal identities. They bring meaning, a sense of belonging, and a unity that ties people together. Whether it is a holiday tradition, a secret family recipe, or a communal ritual, traditions are much more than something you do once a year or once a week. When traumatic events disrupt our traditions, we may feel ungrounded or untethered. Understanding the meaning of our traditions and knowing how to recreate them if needed is essential for healing and resilience.  

Traditions frequently provide structure and familiarity- they are something we frequently look forward to all year long. During times of stability, traditions offer joy and connection but when hardship occurs, they can become a source of comfort, a reminder that some aspects of life remain constant despite the chaos.
 

But what happens when our traditions do not get to remain constant due to the aftermath of trauma?
 

The individuals and families we serve at Mosaic Georgia each year have experienced profound trauma. For some of these survivors, it will be impossible for them to continue their established practices or traditions. Not only do they face logistical barriers to carrying out a beloved tradition (financial challenges, employment requirements, relocation, loss of familial support, etc.), but the emotional weight of the trauma may also alter the way the traditions are perceived. Practices that once brought joy may trigger feelings of sadness, guilt, and anger.  

Most of the traditions my family celebrated occurred in November and December. I vividly recall the first holiday season after my November 2004 disclosure of sexual abuse. I remember the uncertainty I felt as my family gathered to enjoy a meal on Thanksgiving day, a meal my abuser had joined us for years. Then, on Christmas morning, my siblings and I woke up in a different house than we had so many years prior. There were family celebrations we did not participate in because we were no longer a family. In the midst of the gratitude for my newfound safety and security, there was grief that hovered in all spaces I walked. Some of my beloved traditions I had to learn to grieve and let go.  

Trauma may dismantle life as one knows it, but traditions can act as an anchor amid the storm. Preserving and renewing traditions in the aftermath of trauma requires intention and flexibility. It involves recognizing the values of these practices while being open to adaptation. Here are a few steps to ensure traditions remain a source of strength, rather than a trigger.  

  1. Reflect on Meaning: Revisit the core purpose of the tradition and explore how it can be maintained in a way that feels authentic to current circumstances.  
  • Maybe Thanksgiving was always celebrated at a location that now brings many trauma triggers. Reflect on the meaning of the tradition and put a focus on recognizing that the celebration is more about spending time with loved ones than a physical location. Maybe choose to celebrate somewhere different moving forward.
     
  1. Invite Collaboration: Involve family members or community members in reimagining the tradition, ensuring it meets collective needs and preferences.  
  • This gives everyone an opportunity to identify how the traumatic event has impacted them. Brainstorm with friends, family, faith leaders, contacts from support organizations, and other trusted people in your network on creative ideas to honor tradition in a new way.
     
  1. Embrace New Elements: Incorporate elements that acknowledge the impact of the trauma, such as moments of reflection or acts of gratitude. 
  • Identify how you can honor the resilience of yourself, others, or the community. What will help you hold both grief and gratitude? For example, there may be sadness in the loss of a holiday ritual that once was familiar and cherished. Honor that grief and mourn that loss. But let’s say you found healing in the arts–maybe create a tradition of attending a holiday theater performance or art show or that symbolizes and celebrates the part of you that found strength and new life in these activities.
     

Traditions are more than routines; they are living expressions of who we are. Even in the face of trauma, they have the power to evolve and endure, which can remind us of our own capacity for resilience and renewal.  

Kendall Wolz heads up the Mental Health and Wellness team that provides individual, family, and group therapy to those seeking care at Mosaic Georgia. As a survivor herself, she has a unique insight into the challenges of living with past trauma, how it impacts lives daily, and what the process of healing truly looks like. Her personal website, Brave Girl, Speak unpacks some of the complex issues that come along with being a survivor of sexual violence. Visit Kendall’s site to read more about her personal journey healing from trauma and peeling the layers to reclaim her true self.

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Top Five “Words of Wisdom” From Advocate and Survivor Kevin McNeil

by Susan Nerenbaum in Survivor Stories & Advocacy

Top Five “Words of Wisdom” From Advocate and Survivor Kevin McNeil 

Compiled by Amanda Makrogianis Mickelsen
Marketing Project Manager and Copywriter

Societal norms dictate that men are supposed to ‘be strong’ and not show much emotion outside of anger. This June, during Men’s Mental Health Awareness Month, we are challenging that norm and showing love and support to our male-identifying fathers, brothers, nephews, cousins, and friends who may be hurting and in need of healing.  

In honor of men’s health and wellbeing, we share the inspiring story of Kevin McNeil. A survivor of childhood sexual assault, Kevin journeyed from the depths of depression and addiction to a phenomenal rise as a renowned speaker, accomplished author, and dedicated survivor advocate. Maryam Jordan, the head of Mosaic Georgia’s Professional Education & Training Services sat down with Kevin last year to discuss his extraordinary journey. 

Watch Kevin's full interview

Outlined below are some thought-provoking takeaways from their talk:

“There’s a lot more men out there and young boys who have been assaulted sexually. But they’re not coming forward because we haven’t created the space–we haven’t created the space for them to be honest and to be truthful. They don’t know what to do with that emotion [anger] so they display it in ways that may be destructive. 

What I would say is….Search. Find. Support is out there. Go online and find somebody. Tell your story. 
 
Because what I found is when you have a conversation with a concerned listener then that pain can be actually released in a good safe space. You don’t have to carry that around with you all the time. You can define yourself, you don’t have to be defined by what happened to you, or how other people perceive what happened to you.   

Once you educate yourself…that’s what saved me.”

Coping with Trauma Individually and Collectively 

In describing his own personal journey of coming to terms with the violent sexual assault in his past, Kevin shares how the mind copes with traumatic events in an effort to survive. 

“I became another person. I left that [abused] little boy on the bleachers. But I acted out a lot. This new person was very aggressive, very angry. However, because people around me weren’t informed about how trauma worked, I was judged a lot as a bad kid.”   

 

As a police officer, Kevin began to look at the different types of violence he was seeing daily and started to look for answers and identify patterns.  

“I had a question for myself – why is there so much violence? I became a detective and I started seeing the origins of violence come from traumatized children.”

Everybody was talking about trauma in the classrooms and courtrooms but no one was talking about it in their living rooms.”  

Kevin goes on to discuss the importance of trauma-informed education–for parents, teachers, caretakers, coaches, law enforcement–anyone who is providing guidance to our children. A much greater understanding is necessary around trauma and how it is masked through various behaviors. 

Recognizing this need shaped Kevin, and eventually drove him to motivate and transform others as founder and CEO of The Twelve Project, This vital nonprofit provides a safe haven for families and children, and provides crucial resources and education on abuse and the effects of trauma.  

As a former Special Victim’s detective, Kevin educates first responders on how trauma affects individuals and victims. He also advocates for legislation and would like to see mandatory training for organizations and individuals who work with children, like daycare centers and churches.   

“Education is a big part of my healing journey”.

Shifting Away from Trauma as the Enemy  

The word trauma has a negative connotation; to most it represents sentiments of something daunting, tragic, or unnerving that happened in the past. Yet Kevin’s unique perspective offers us a reimagined image of the role trauma plays in a person’s sense of self, their mindset, and individual path to healing.   

“I often tell people that trauma is not a bad thing, it’s a natural response to a bad thing happening to you… 

Trauma gets a bad name but it’s the body’s way of responding to an unnatural event. It becomes very key and very important for us to understand trauma is more something to learn from than it is to get rid of….It’s something that actually holds the wisdom of why you are the way you are today, and how you think and process the world around you. And so that’s what being trauma informed means. Not just knowing what trauma is but knowing how it affects not only the person but their relationships going forward.” 

The Brain Knows Best

What if we thought of the brain not as a thought-producing, system-regulating organ that resides within our head, but as a protector—a keeper of sorts, presiding over our survival and wellbeing.  

“I always tell people your brain is smarter than you. The brain knew that as a little boy I couldn’t handle all that stress so it blocked it out for me. But it didn’t prevent the symptoms from occurring as an adult. It’s very important for people to know that trauma victims respond differently to trauma. And some of the things they respond to, or triggers, may not be what society says is constructive or positive. Often times people tell trauma victims to stop behavior without understanding why the behavior exists in the first place. To you it may be a bad, disruptive behavior but for them it could be a coping mechanism. It could be something that they’ve used all their life to survive, and they know no other way to interact with the world and with people in the world.”

Watch as Kevin further discusses how his brain used dissociation as a survival mechanism. 

Ending the Blame Game 

Victim blaming is a part of our culture and many people do not recognize they are participating in and perpetuating it. Kevin reminds us to take note of our thoughts and our words if we are ever dealing with a friend or family member who is disclosing abuse.  

“When it comes to victims they are actually their worst critic …when people victim-blame and question…why didn’t you tell, why didn’t you fight…Victims have already struggled with those questions and when someone who doesn’t understand trauma comes back at them with those same questions that’s where that shame comes from…now they really feel bad…because I felt bad for being a victim but now because you’ve asked me these questions I feel bad because I didn’t do those things that you said I should have done.”

For those who feel called to know more and to advocate, Mosaic Georgia’s Executive Director Marina Sampanes Peed recently explored the topic of victim blaming and its harms; she offers sound advice on how to be an ally to someone who discloses abuse. 

From Survival to Transformation 

“You can’t love what you judge.” 

One of the most awe-inspiring aspects of Kevin’s story is the personal awakening he experienced that eventually led him to seek healing. Throughout his childhood years to early adulthood, he gravitated to the safety of group dynamics–football teams, the military, and later the police force, to help feel a sense of relevance and validation. “Performance became my method of existing in the world. I tried to perform my way into acceptance which a lot of trauma victims try to do”. Kevin numbed the pain with alcohol and by becoming a workaholic; his relationships suffered.   

“I separated from my body, I saw my body and myself as two different entities. So my body became a tool that I used to get acceptance, whether that was through sports–some people do it through sex, some people medicate to make their bodies numb because they don’t like being themselves.”

One fateful day while working as a Special Victim’s detective, Kevin interviewed a young boy at a Child Advocacy Center who had been sexually abused by his uncle. After receiving compassionate and caring support, Kevin saw the young boy “come back to life” in front of his eyes. A deeply engrained but buried need to address his own past rose to the surface that day. “But deep down inside I was crying and hurting; the little boy inside of me came back alive as well…That’s when I knew I needed help. It was because of that interview that I went to get therapy.” 

Kevin began to face the trauma from his past and delve into the prickly work of healing. “I had to learn to wrap my arms around that little boy. I had to learn to love him. Because I left him. I left him to survive. And that worked for me for a while.” But he recognized that it was finally time to heal. And heal he did. It is an ongoing process, but Kevin has gained an incredible amount of knowledge and wisdom along the way. He now generously shares it all with victims, families, and first responders and is helping to create an environment where children (like him as a young boy) can get the trauma-informed support that they so desperately need.  

He is including men and boys in the conversation and helping to normalize the notion that people of all genders and gender identities should have the right to tell their stories, voice their pain, and heal their past trauma.  

We invite you to listen to the full, captivating personal story that took Kevin from a place of suffering to a life of vitality.

 

Mosaic Georgia is a Sexual Assault and Children’s Advocacy Center that provides crisis intervention and support services for victims of sexual abuse, assault and trafficking. Services include forensic medical exams, advocacy, forensic interviews, legal aid, counseling, education & training, and healing-oriented wellness programs. In Gwinnett County, clients come to the safe and private setting of Mosaic Georgia instead of the emergency room.

Our mission is to take action and guide change for the safety, health & justice of children and adults impacted by sexual violence.

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Making Room for Grief After Trauma

by Susan Nerenbaum in HEALTH, Mental Health & Trauma, Uncategorized

Making Room for Grief After Trauma

Kendall Circle Headshot

By Kendall Wolz
Mental Health and Wellness Manager at Mosaic Georgia

One of the often-overlooked responses following a trauma like child sexual abuse or sexual assault is the pervasive grief. For many survivors of sexual violence, their life looks different after an outcry or disclosure of their experiences. It is vital in our care for survivors and their families, that we make room for grief and provide a safe space where the losses are acknowledged. 

When a child discloses childhood sexual abuse, that outcry is not usually accompanied by an understanding of what will happen after they tell someone. Many times, children are only questioning if the perpetrator will follow through on their threat of what would happen if they did tell. If I had known what losses I would endure in the aftermath of my disclosure at 13 years old, I’m not sure I would have had the same courage to tell. Not only are there personal losses, but media has revealed how negligently disclosures are handled.  

Disclosures are costly, but they are worth it. The response to a disclosure is very important as it makes a significant difference in the experience of the survivor.  

What are the losses a survivor may need space to grieve?
 

Relationships

RAINN estimates that 93% of juvenile victims of sexual violence know their perpetrator.1 Many perpetrators do not act “all bad” within the family unit. In fact, they are often loved and trusted by family members. Following many disclosures in which law enforcement and child protective services become involved, the perpetrator and other family members are separated. In my family, my mom, siblings, and I moved from the home we shared with my abuser into a bedroom at our grandparents’ home. Despite the horrific crimes my abuser committed, he had been a constant in our lives for over seven years. My siblings and I loved our cousins/aunts/uncles/grandma on that side of the family. In what seemed like an instant, those relationships were irreparably damaged. While the relational loss to my abuser was absolutely necessary and what we needed, its rationality did not squelch the pain of losing family.
 

Environment 

In situations where the offender is a member of the household, the victim and their non-offending family member may not be able to return to the place they once called home. On November 10, 2004, my siblings and I went to school in the morning, and we never returned to the place we had called home with our stepdad for years. We moved away from a very rural area with plenty of land to run around on and pets, including a potbelly pig. We moved into a bedroom in our grandparents’ home in a neighborhood and were unable to bring them with us. We never saw our pets again after we went to school that morning. We were incredibly grateful to remain together and live in a home full of love; however, it was a major adjustment for us during a very stressful time.
 

Financial 

Financial losses occur when the perpetrator is a contributor to the household’s income. Not only might families experience the loss of an income, but they also incur new expenses including mental health treatment, absenteeism from work due to appointments, housing expenses for relocation, and civil court expenses in addition to others. Families may no longer be able to engage in previously normal leisure activities like eating at a restaurant or going to the movies. The increased financial burden creates additional stress and leaves families grieving the life they once had.
 

How Mosaic Georgia Helps 

At Mosaic Georgia we recognize the long-lasting impacts of sexualized violence and strive to provide meaningful support by acknowledging the losses and alleviating some of the burdens. When any person walks through the doors at Mosaic, we seek to build safety and trust, and to be a positive force in that person’s life. We provide opportunities for survivors to build their support system with others in the community through our Wholeness Collective offerings. While we are not able to reclaim homes, we purposefully create warm environments in our offices that we hope promote safety and comfort. To alleviate the financial burden our clients face, we provide free supportive services including advocacy, counseling/therapy, and legal services.  

Grief after trauma encompasses much more than the loss of relationships and people in our lives. It is vital that anyone who works with trauma survivors creates a space for grief as part of the healing process. 

My abuser was someone I loved, trusted, and wanted to know and be known by. He was someone I saw every single day. My family accepted him and welcomed him.

If you’ve followed my blog or read previous posts, you know the excitement I expressed for the popular television show, Who Wants to Be A Millionaire. I literally could not wait for the show to air in 1999. We only had antennas and two televisions in the trailer where I could watch the show. One television was in the living room but that is where my siblings often did their homework in the evening. The other television was in my mom and stepdad’s bedroom. When my stepdad invited me to watch the show, it seemed like the best of both worlds. Time with the person I trusted and loved AND I got to watch what I believed would be the best show ever.

It seems strange to label sexual abuse as gentle, but from a physical perspective, it was, in the beginning. I didn’t leave the room that first night in any kind of pain. But emotionally, I was filled with ambivalence.

I LOVED the show, Who Wants to be a Millionaire.

I ENJOYED getting the undivided attention of my stepdad.

I TRUSTED my stepdad would never do anything to harm me.

I was DISGUSTED by the evidence of the abuse on me.

I was CONFUSED by the passive threat he made before I left the room.

I FEARED someone would find out about our new secret.

At eight years old, these were strong, complex emotions that totally overwhelmed my system. I could not assess what was true, right, or healthy. As a result of the ambivalence, I had to rest on my default belief which was based on a general trust of people older than me. I needed those people to survive. If I could not trust them, how would I make it in the world?

Kids should be able to long for and love quality time with a parent. It is normal and healthy for a child to desire those things. My need for that perception of love was normal. I chose what was normal over and over- quality time with my stepdad and getting to watch my favorite show. Though it came with other hard feelings, the desire for love and acceptance won, over and over again.
So, ambivalence kept me quiet for a long time. And it keeps a lot of kids quiet.

When you hear a child disclose abuse, please know they have likely fought through the power of ambivalence. It is an incredible step of courage and bravery to go against the defaults to tell their story. Please accept that the ambivalence will not disappear overnight. Healing takes time.

Kendall Wolz heads up the Mental Health and Wellness team that provides individual, family, and group therapy to those seeking care at Mosaic Georgia. As a survivor herself, she has a unique insight into the challenges of living with past trauma, how it impacts lives daily, and what the process of healing truly looks like. Her personal website, Brave Girl, Speak unpacks some of the complex issues that come along with being a survivor of sexual violence. Visit Kendall’s site to read more about her personal journey healing from trauma and peeling the layers to reclaim her true self.

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