Societal norms dictate that men are supposed to ‘be strong’ and not show much emotion outside of anger. This June, during Men’s Mental Health Awareness Month, we are challenging that norm and showing love and support to our male-identifying fathers, brothers, nephews, cousins, and friends who may be hurting and in need of healing.  

In honor of men’s health and wellbeing, we share the inspiring story of Kevin McNeil. A survivor of childhood sexual assault, Kevin journeyed from the depths of depression and addiction to a phenomenal rise as a renowned speaker, accomplished author, and dedicated survivor advocate. Maryam Jordan, the head of Mosaic Georgia’s Professional Education & Training Services sat down with Kevin last year to discuss his extraordinary journey. 

Outlined below are some thought-provoking takeaways from their talk:

“There’s a lot more men out there and young boys who have been assaulted sexually. But they’re not coming forward because we haven’t created the space–we haven’t created the space for them to be honest and to be truthful. They don’t know what to do with that emotion [anger] so they display it in ways that may be destructive. 

What I would say is….Search. Find. Support is out there. Go online and find somebody. Tell your story. 
 
Because what I found is when you have a conversation with a concerned listener then that pain can be actually released in a good safe space. You don’t have to carry that around with you all the time. You can define yourself, you don’t have to be defined by what happened to you, or how other people perceive what happened to you.   

Once you educate yourself…that’s what saved me.”

Coping with Trauma Individually and Collectively 

In describing his own personal journey of coming to terms with the violent sexual assault in his past, Kevin shares how the mind copes with traumatic events in an effort to survive. 

“I became another person. I left that [abused] little boy on the bleachers. But I acted out a lot. This new person was very aggressive, very angry. However, because people around me weren’t informed about how trauma worked, I was judged a lot as a bad kid.”   

As a police officer, Kevin began to look at the different types of violence he was seeing daily and started to look for answers and identify patterns.  

“I had a question for myself – why is there so much violence? I became a detective and I started seeing the origins of violence come from traumatized children.”

Everybody was talking about trauma in the classrooms and courtrooms but no one was talking about it in their living rooms.”  

Kevin goes on to discuss the importance of trauma-informed education–for parents, teachers, caretakers, coaches, law enforcement–anyone who is providing guidance to our children. A much greater understanding is necessary around trauma and how it is masked through various behaviors. 

Recognizing this need shaped Kevin, and eventually drove him to motivate and transform others as founder and CEO of The Twelve Project, This vital nonprofit provides a safe haven for families and children, and provides crucial resources and education on abuse and the effects of trauma.  

As a former Special Victim’s detective, Kevin educates first responders on how trauma affects individuals and victims. He also advocates for legislation and would like to see mandatory training for organizations and individuals who work with children, like daycare centers and churches.   

“Education is a big part of my healing journey”.

Shifting Away from Trauma as the Enemy  

The word trauma has a negative connotation; to most it represents sentiments of something daunting, tragic, or unnerving that happened in the past. Yet Kevin’s unique perspective offers us a reimagined image of the role trauma plays in a person’s sense of self, their mindset, and individual path to healing.   

“I often tell people that trauma is not a bad thing, it’s a natural response to a bad thing happening to you… 

Trauma gets a bad name but it’s the body’s way of responding to an unnatural event. It becomes very key and very important for us to understand trauma is more something to learn from than it is to get rid of….It’s something that actually holds the wisdom of why you are the way you are today, and how you think and process the world around you. And so that’s what being trauma informed means. Not just knowing what trauma is but knowing how it affects not only the person but their relationships going forward.” 

The Brain Knows Best

What if we thought of the brain not as a thought-producing, system-regulating organ that resides within our head, but as a protector—a keeper of sorts, presiding over our survival and wellbeing.  

“I always tell people your brain is smarter than you. The brain knew that as a little boy I couldn’t handle all that stress so it blocked it out for me. But it didn’t prevent the symptoms from occurring as an adult. It’s very important for people to know that trauma victims respond differently to trauma. And some of the things they respond to, or triggers, may not be what society says is constructive or positive. Often times people tell trauma victims to stop behavior without understanding why the behavior exists in the first place. To you it may be a bad, disruptive behavior but for them it could be a coping mechanism. It could be something that they’ve used all their life to survive, and they know no other way to interact with the world and with people in the world.”

Watch as Kevin further discusses how his brain used dissociation as a survival mechanism. 

Ending the Blame Game 

Victim blaming is a part of our culture and many people do not recognize they are participating in and perpetuating it. Kevin reminds us to take note of our thoughts and our words if we are ever dealing with a friend or family member who is disclosing abuse.  

“When it comes to victims they are actually their worst critic …when people victim-blame and question…why didn’t you tell, why didn’t you fight…Victims have already struggled with those questions and when someone who doesn’t understand trauma comes back at them with those same questions that’s where that shame comes from…now they really feel bad…because I felt bad for being a victim but now because you’ve asked me these questions I feel bad because I didn’t do those things that you said I should have done.”

For those who feel called to know more and to advocate, Mosaic Georgia’s Executive Director Marina Sampanes Peed recently explored the topic of victim blaming and its harms; she offers sound advice on how to be an ally to someone who discloses abuse. 

From Survival to Transformation 

“You can’t love what you judge.” 

One of the most awe-inspiring aspects of Kevin’s story is the personal awakening he experienced that eventually led him to seek healing. Throughout his childhood years to early adulthood, he gravitated to the safety of group dynamics–football teams, the military, and later the police force, to help feel a sense of relevance and validation. “Performance became my method of existing in the world. I tried to perform my way into acceptance which a lot of trauma victims try to do”. Kevin numbed the pain with alcohol and by becoming a workaholic; his relationships suffered.   

“I separated from my body, I saw my body and myself as two different entities. So my body became a tool that I used to get acceptance, whether that was through sports–some people do it through sex, some people medicate to make their bodies numb because they don’t like being themselves.”

One fateful day while working as a Special Victim’s detective, Kevin interviewed a young boy at a Child Advocacy Center who had been sexually abused by his uncle. After receiving compassionate and caring support, Kevin saw the young boy “come back to life” in front of his eyes. A deeply engrained but buried need to address his own past rose to the surface that day. “But deep down inside I was crying and hurting; the little boy inside of me came back alive as well…That’s when I knew I needed help. It was because of that interview that I went to get therapy.” 

Kevin began to face the trauma from his past and delve into the prickly work of healing. “I had to learn to wrap my arms around that little boy. I had to learn to love him. Because I left him. I left him to survive. And that worked for me for a while.” But he recognized that it was finally time to heal. And heal he did. It is an ongoing process, but Kevin has gained an incredible amount of knowledge and wisdom along the way. He now generously shares it all with victims, families, and first responders and is helping to create an environment where children (like him as a young boy) can get the trauma-informed support that they so desperately need.  

He is including men and boys in the conversation and helping to normalize the notion that people of all genders and gender identities should have the right to tell their stories, voice their pain, and heal their past trauma.  

We invite you to listen to the full, captivating personal story that took Kevin from a place of suffering to a life of vitality.

Mosaic Georgia is a Sexual Assault and Children’s Advocacy Center that provides crisis intervention and support services for victims of sexual abuse, assault and trafficking. Services include forensic medical exams, advocacy, forensic interviews, legal aid, counseling, education & training, and healing-oriented wellness programs. In Gwinnett County, clients come to the safe and private setting of Mosaic Georgia instead of the emergency room.

Our mission is to take action and guide change for the safety, health & justice of children and adults impacted by sexual violence.